Friday, April 1, 2011

A Day To Laugh Out Loud

Tradition has it here at Women in Crime Ink that this day be marked with a twinkle in the eye. Crime is a serious business, but the sad fact is often criminals don't have any other way to earn a living because... they are so dumb. I had fun trolling through the many websites that celebrate just how dumb they can be.

Here are some of my favorites. I used the very scientific LOL gold stand
ard - if the stupidity of the perp literally had me laughing out loud, it made the cut.

From the folks at Cader Books: "...In the early hours of the morning, in June 1995, Mike Cyprian ducked into a restaurant in Hammond, Louisiana, to make a phone call. He left his car engine running and his nine-foot python lounging uncaged inside. When Cyprian came out of the restaurant he saw his car in a different spot and a man running away.

...While lightening the load of a security van by $160,000 in May 1995, two robbers in Arlington, Texas, foolishly ignored the 23 Japanese tourists nearby. Although none of the visitors spoke English, they silently handed police 39 photos of the getaway car's license plate. The men were arrested soon after.

...Klaus Schmidt, 41, burst into a Berlin bank in August 1995, waved a pistol, and screamed "Hand over the money!" When staff asked if he wanted a bag, he replied "Damn right it's a real gun!" Guessing Schmidt was deaf, the manager set off the alarm, saying later, "It was ridiculously loud, but he didn't seem to notice." After five minutes punctuated by Schmidt occasionally shouting "I am a trained killer!" police arrived and arrested him. Schmidt then sued the bank, accusing them of exploiting his disability.

...Bob Briggs, 24, owner of a Domino's Pizza restaurant in Independence, Missouri, dressed as a giant red rabbit and stood in the road to attract business. In August 1991, he was knocked unconscious by Bobo the Clown, who was promoting a Pizza Hut across the road. Briggs declined to press charges, which is perhaps unfortunate as it would have made an interesting court case."

From a website simply called Stupid Criminals: "...a burglar broke into a Norwegian grammar school – and solved some maths problems. Nothing was stolen in the raid on a school in Klaebu, reports Aftenposten, quoting Adresseavisen. But the intruder did take on a mathematics test intended for third grade students. And, according to local law enforcement officials, he – or she – did a good job, solving all the problems correctly.

...A nurse and two cameramen were arrested at the Munich beer festival for filming a porn movie on the city’s famous big wheel. The 21-year-old registered nurse, unnamed due to German privacy laws, and her two acquaintances were spotted ‘filming sexual acts by three Italian tourists in another carriage of the ride. The Oktoberfest tourists alerted authorities, who detained the nurse and the filmmakers – a 25-year-old student and a 30-year-old teacher. Munich police released a statement saying, 'The trio were spotted in the carriage with filming equipment. The 21-year-old suddenly disrobed and produced a sex toy that she began to use while the other two filmed her.'” The three have been charged with public indecency.

...Memo to robbers: Don’t hold up the establishment where you’re trying to get a job.

Megan A. Whittaker, 35, of Menasha, Wisconsin, was arrested Sunday and accused of holding up the local Q-Mart convenience store. Cops say she brandished a toy gun and forced the clerk to open the register. Identification was easy — Whittaker was a regular customer and had recently applied for a job at the store, reported the Oshkosh Northwestern newspaper. Whittaker realized during the robbery that the clerk knew her, police said. So she told the clerk she was her own twin sister. Cops found Whittaker at her apartment, along with the $181 and case of beer that had been taken from the store.

She faces up to $100,000 in fines and a 40-year prison sentence."

Then there was the Ashland Kentucky man who wasn't going to be deterred when he lost his standard issue ski mask.

"...Police say Kasey Kazee entered Shamrock Liquors and attempted to rob the store. Employees were astonished that he had disguised his face by wrapping it in duct tape! The store manager chased him out with a baseball bat and an employee held him in the parking lot until police arrived. Police removed the duct tape after taking pictures, and arrested Kazee, who denied any memory of the incident."

Sometimes it's a toss-up as to whether the criminal is stupid, or just plain wacko. And at they found some of the wackiest:

"...In Bent Forks, Illinois, kidnappers of ice-cube magnate Worth Bohnke sent a photograph of their captive to Bohnke's family. Bohnke was seen holding up a newspaper. It was not that day's edition and, in fact, bore a prominent headline relating to Nixon's trip to China. This was pointed out to the kidnappers in a subsequent phone call. They responded by sending a new photograph showing an up-to-date newspaper. Bohnke, however, did not appear in the picture. When this, too, was refused, the kidnappers became peevish and insisted that a photograph be sent to them showing all the people over at Bohnke's house holding different issues of Success Magazine. They provided a mailing address and were immediately apprehended.

They later admitted to FBI agents they did not understand the principle involved in the photograph/newspaper concept. 'We thought it was just some kind of tradition,' said one.

...Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot,' the man shouted, 'That's not what I said!'

...The two suspects had been apprehended and now sat in a courtroom at the defendant's table. A witness was on the stand being asked questions by the prosecutor. 'And ma'am you say you were robbed of your purse on the street?' Yes sir, the witness answered. 'And the two men who robbed you, are they here in the courtroom today?' Before the witness could answer both defendants raised their hands. The judge and jury laughed openly.

...In Redondo Beach, California., a police officer arrested a driver after a short chase and charged him with drunk driving. Officer Joseph Fonteno's suspicions were aroused when he saw the white Mazda MX-7 rolling down Pacific Coast Highway with half of a traffic-light pole, including the lights, lying across its hood. The driver had hit the pole on a median strip and simply kept driving. According to Fonteno, when the driver was asked about the pole, he said, 'It came with the car when I bought it.''

And this one's not laugh out loud funny, but I thought the guy should have gotten off for outsmarting the judge. I doubt it though.

"A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: 'My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.' 'Well put," the judge replied. 'Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.' The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out."

In closing I leave you with my favorite crime joke for April Fool's. It's my favorite because it's so absurd, it's got talking animals, and most of all, because it was told to me by Willie Nelson (to be fair, he told me and four other people in the room, but still...):

...A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says, "No, we don't have any grapes here."

The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck comes back. "Got any grapes?" he says to the bartender. "I told you," says the bartender grimly, "we don't sell grapes." The duck leaves.

Next day, the duck is back. "Got any grapes?" he asks, and now the bartender is pissed. "Look," he says to the duck, "I told you once, I told you twice, we don't sell grapes here. If you ask me again, I'm going to nail your feet to the bar." The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck is back.

"Got any nails?" he asks the bartender.

"No, we don't have any nails," is the answer.

"Good," says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

Happy April Fools!

1 comment:

DrGina said...

Thank you for the great laugh Lisa!