Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Casey's Future Not As Profitable As She May Think

by Stacy Dittrich

Many are speculating what happens next for Casey Anthony as her date to be set free draws near. I predict they let her out a few days early without alerting the media for security purposes. You can bet your roll of duct tape that this Lord of the Rings fairy (sorry, can’t get past the pointed ears) has her future completely mapped out. I’m pretty confident that the following conversation took place between Tinkerbell Casey and Jose Biased upon the not guilty verdict—or something similar. Just imagine the two of them sitting alone in a room, Casey smiling from pointed ear to pointed ear.

Casey: Jose, I can’t thank you enough (grabs tissue and dabs at a non-existent tear). I knew this would turn out this way, I just knew it!

Jose: You can thank me later, doll face (winks), you know, like you used to back in the old days.

Casey: Gawd, this is really happening. When we decided to throw my dad under the bus, I never thought they’d buy it—I really didn’t! I mean, I knew the jury looked like a bunch of morons, but it turned out they really are! Pinch me. I must be dreaming!

Jose: Ya know, Case, your mom did help you out a little when she lied about the chloroform searches. You really should thank her when you get the chance.

Casey: Oh, please! To Hell with her! The only thing she’s done for me was teach me how to lie like a pro…maybe I’ll send her a card for that? On second thought, no way. I’m famous now; I won’t need their house and money anymore.

Jose: Which brings me to the future…I’ve already got offers coming in. What do you think you’ll do?

Casey: I definitely want to have more children—that’s for sure! But, believe me, I’ve learned my lesson! From here on out, when I go clubbing, I am definitely going to use less chloroform on the kids. I swear I will never going through this again (shudders). Maybe I’ll try using Benadryl first? Definitely no more duct tape—I’ll switch to electrical. So, what are the offers? A million dollar book deal? Movie? I’m so excited!

Jose: Whoa! Slow down there, Superstar! (Laughs) We’ll get to that! You never told me what you thought about the “grief expert” I put on the stand. I can’t even believe I was able to pull THAT one off!

Casey: Where’d you find her?

Jose: She was just a homeless nutcase I found wandering around Jay Blanchard Park mumbling to herself. I cleaned her up, bought her a Mocha Soy Latte—dumped half a dozen Valium into it—and told her what to say on the stand. Voila! It worked! (Slaps knee).

Casey: You truly are a genius, Jose. I mean, attending the third worst law school in the country and having a criminal record, how you pulled this off is simply unbelievable.

Jose: Again, you can thank me later (winks again). Now, let’s get to those offers. I’ve got a book deal from Beaufort Books—they published OJ’s, a guaranteed hit—an offer for a featured stripper tour in Gary, Indiana, a 3-movie porn deal from Murderous Mom’s Porn Company and, “the big one,”…are you ready?

Casey: Tell me! Tell me!

Jose: Charlie Sheen wants you to be his newest Goddess!

Casey: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Charlie Sheeeeeeen! (Jumps up and dances around). I can’t believe it! (Pauses). Um, what’s a Goddess?

Jose: Oh, I forgot, you’ve been out of touch for awhile. I’ll fill you in on the deets later, but isn’t this exciting!

Casey: Yes! Tell me! How many millions?

Jose: Uh, well, you see, it’s not exactly millions…the total of the offers comes to $8,000.

Casey: (Smile fading, Casey becomes angry and rises in her chair) $8,000!! That’s it! I killed my daughter and all I get is $8,000! What is the matter with you? I’m bigger than OJ! I’m getting letters from millionaires with marriage proposals and all you can do is $8,000! (Picks up nearest chair). 

Jose: Casey, calm down! Put the chair down! Listen! If you knock off another kid in the next year or so, I promise I’ll get you the millions! I promise! Maybe we can get you on Celebrity Rehab for a murder addiction…just please calm down!

Casey: That’s better, (puts chair down). We need to be realistic about this though. I could probably get away with killing just one more—but after that, I might actually go to jail, so you better stick to your word!

... Now, most importantly, where can I find a sperm donor?

Jose: You’re looking at him, sweetheart.

**Okay, so maybe it didn’t happen exactly that way. But, I’ll bet I’m pretty close… sometimes dark subjects require a little humor to make it through.


Pat Brown said...

What? This is fiction, Stacy? I swear I have it right here on this audiotape.

(::laughs::Enjoyed your scenario).

Anonymous said...

Tastless, wasn't remotely funny. Denegrating people's appearance is really inappropriate as well....bottom line... you're just a bully trying to disguise it as humor. I love allot of the writers and writting here, this is trash. period.

Gina Bullard said...

Well I thought it was fabulous!!!!!!!!!! YOU GIRLS ROCK!

Anonymous said...

I can't believe its fiction either. However, everyone who thinks she is guilty needs to let publishers, TV and others know how they feel. There are quite a few links on FB about this.

Anonymous said...

I found it comforting too, to be able to get a little smile out such a horrific miscarriage of justice. Your being called a bully for this post, but a grown woman killing an innocent defenseless baby isn't being a bully? Some people really have a distorted way of seeing things.

FRG said...

OMG! I could swear you overheard their conversation in jail!! LOL

"Celebrity Rehab for a murder addiction"! Now, that's pretty hilarious, Dr. Drew would love to have her in his show, according to him everyone is addicted! *inserting rolling eyes here*

Thanks for the laugh.

Anonymous said...

Has this become the Casey Anthony blog? Seems it is all anyone is able to talk about lately.

A Voice of Sanity said...

She can get rich by suing you for libel.

Anonymous said...

But the sad thing is....a child's killer still goes free...

Anonymous said...

Dr.Drew says he doesnt want Casey on his show. Any interviewer who thinks she will level with them or give them anything really interesting is in for a surprise. Unless of course they like bizarre, innappropriate behavior.
and if Casey wants to sue anyone for libel, she will spend the next few lifetimes in court because she is one of the most hated people in the US.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the smile! they are few and far between since this travesty occurred.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious little drama. Maybe not word for word but .....

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the smiles. Clever and scary since some of what this murderer has done is not that far from what you wrote.

I personally hope her offers are slim to none. The world at large has to stop rewarding bad behavior and shunning her might just make her show her true colors again. Where she will indeed serve time behind bars.

Dr. Drew, she is pure toxic and should not ever get near his show. Demon spawn for sure.

Anonymous said...

Awesome post... LOL! I had a strong suspicion Casey was having sexual relations with Jose from the very beginning. And no doubt it's happening now after she's been released from lockdown. He's just another soul under "the spell" of an evil entity -Wake Up! I don't know how he can look at himself every morning and trick himself into believing he's doing "good" in this world. What a sick world we live in.

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