A Day To Laugh Out Loud

By Lisa R. Cohen

Tradition has it here at Women in Crime Ink that this day be marked with a twinkle in the eye. Crime is a serious business, but the sad fact is often criminals don't have any other way to earn a living because... they are so dumb. I had fun trolling through the many websites that celebrate just how dumb they can be.

Here are some of my favorites. I used the very scientific LOL gold standard - if the stupidity of the perp literally had me laughing out loud, it made the cut.

From the folks at Cader Books: "...In the early hours of the morning, in June 1995, Mike Cyprian ducked into a restaurant in Hammond, Louisiana, to make a phone call. He left his car engine running and his nine-foot python lounging uncaged inside. When Cyprian came out of the restaurant he saw his car in a different spot and a man running away.

...While lightening the load of a security van by $160,000 in May 1995, two robbers in Arlington, Texas, foolishly ignored the 23 Japanese tourists nearby. Although none of the visitors spoke English, they silently handed police 39 photos of the getaway car's license plate. The men were arrested soon after.

...Klaus Schmidt, 41, burst into a Berlin bank in August 1995, waved a pistol, and screamed "Hand over the money!" When staff asked if he wanted a bag, he replied "Damn right it's a real gun!" Guessing Schmidt was deaf, the manager set off the alarm, saying later, "It was ridiculously loud, but he didn't seem to notice." After five minutes punctuated by Schmidt occasionally shouting "I am a trained killer!" police arrived and arrested him. Schmidt then sued the bank, accusing them of exploiting his disability.

...Bob Briggs, 24, owner of a Domino's Pizza restaurant in Independence, Missouri, dressed as a giant red rabbit and stood in the road to attract business. In August 1991, he was knocked unconscious by Bobo the Clown, who was promoting a Pizza Hut across the road. Briggs declined to press charges, which is perhaps unfortunate as it would have made an interesting court case."

From a website simply called Stupid Criminals: "...a burglar broke into a Norwegian grammar school – and solved some maths problems. Nothing was stolen in the raid on a school in Klaebu, reports Aftenposten, quoting Adresseavisen. But the intruder did take on a mathematics test intended for third grade students. And, according to local law enforcement officials, he – or she – did a good job, solving all the problems correctly.

...A nurse and two cameramen were arrested at the Munich beer festival for filming a porn movie on the city’s famous big wheel. The 21-year-old registered nurse, unnamed due to German privacy laws, and her two acquaintances were spotted ‘filming sexual acts’ by three Italian tourists in another carriage of the ride. The Oktoberfest tourists alerted authorities, who detained the nurse and the filmmakers – a 25-year-old student and a 30-year-old teacher. Munich police released a statement saying, 'The trio were spotted in the carriage with filming equipment. The 21-year-old suddenly disrobed and produced a sex toy that she began to use while the other two filmed her.'” The three have been charged with public indecency.

...Memo to robbers: Don’t hold up the establishment where you’re trying to get a job.

Megan A. Whittaker, 35, of Menasha, Wisconsin, was arrested Sunday and accused of holding up the local Q-Mart convenience store. Cops say she brandished a toy gun and forced the clerk to open the register. Identification was easy — Whittaker was a regular customer and had recently applied for a job at the store, reported the Oshkosh Northwestern newspaper. Whittaker realized during the robbery that the clerk knew her, police said. So she told the clerk she was her own twin sister. Cops found Whittaker at her apartment, along with the $181 and case of beer that had been taken from the store.

She faces up to $100,000 in fines and a 40-year prison sentence."

Then there was the Ashland Kentucky man who wasn't going to be deterred when he lost his standard issue ski mask.

"...Police say Kasey Kazee entered Shamrock Liquors and attempted to rob the store. Employees were astonished that he had disguised his face by wrapping it in duct tape! The store manager chased him out with a baseball bat and an employee held him in the parking lot until police arrived. Police removed the duct tape after taking pictures, and arrested Kazee, who denied any memory of the incident."

Sometimes it's a toss-up as to whether the criminal is stupid, or just plain wacko. And at CrazyCriminals.com they found some of the wackiest:

"...In Bent Forks, Illinois, kidnappers of ice-cube magnate Worth Bohnke sent a photograph of their captive to Bohnke's family. Bohnke was seen holding up a newspaper. It was not that day's edition and, in fact, bore a prominent headline relating to Nixon's trip to China. This was pointed out to the kidnappers in a subsequent phone call. They responded by sending a new photograph showing an up-to-date newspaper. Bohnke, however, did not appear in the picture. When this, too, was refused, the kidnappers became peevish and insisted that a photograph be sent to them showing all the people over at Bohnke's house holding different issues of Success Magazine. They provided a mailing address and were immediately apprehended.

They later admitted to FBI agents they did not understand the principle involved in the photograph/newspaper concept. 'We thought it was just some kind of tradition,' said one.

...Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot,' the man shouted, 'That's not what I said!'

...The two suspects had been apprehended and now sat in a courtroom at the defendant's table. A witness was on the stand being asked questions by the prosecutor. 'And ma'am you say you were robbed of your purse on the street?' Yes sir, the witness answered. 'And the two men who robbed you, are they here in the courtroom today?' Before the witness could answer both defendants raised their hands. The judge and jury laughed openly.

...In Redondo Beach, California., a police officer arrested a driver after a short chase and charged him with drunk driving. Officer Joseph Fonteno's suspicions were aroused when he saw the white Mazda MX-7 rolling down Pacific Coast Highway with half of a traffic-light pole, including the lights, lying across its hood. The driver had hit the pole on a median strip and simply kept driving. According to Fonteno, when the driver was asked about the pole, he said, 'It came with the car when I bought it.''

And this one's not laugh out loud funny, but I thought the guy should have gotten off for outsmarting the judge. I doubt it though.

"A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: 'My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.' 'Well put," the judge replied. 'Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.' The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out."

In closing I leave you with my favorite crime joke for April Fool's. It's my favorite because it's so absurd, it's got talking animals, and most of all, because it was told to me by Willie Nelson (to be fair, he told me and four other people in the room, but still...):

...A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says, "No, we don't have any grapes here."

The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck comes back. "Got any grapes?" he says to the bartender. "I told you," says the bartender grimly, "we don't sell grapes." The duck leaves.

Next day, the duck is back. "Got any grapes?" he asks, and now the bartender is pissed. "Look," he says to the duck, "I told you once, I told you twice, we don't sell grapes here. If you ask me again, I'm going to nail your feet to the bar." The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck is back.

"Got any nails?" he asks the bartender.

"No, we don't have any nails," is the answer.

"Good," says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

Happy April Fools!

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Octomom Donor Reveals Paternity Results Exclusively to Women in Crime Ink!

by Stacy Dittrich

Women in Crime Ink has breaking news. And when I say breaking—I mean earth-shattering. In all of my years in law enforcement, I have reached a point in life where there is very little that will shock me. I strongly urge you to not eat, put down your drink, and sit down before reading this post for fear of vomiting or loss of consciousness.

From a letter written exclusively to Women in Crime Ink, we have learned the paternity of “Octomom’s” (pictured above) babies. Of course, it took several days of numerous phone calls, faxes, and interviews to verify the information, but here it is, folks.

In what seems to be the epitome of the strange and unexplained, disgraced former police sergeant Drew Peterson has come forward to claim paternity of famed “Octomom” Nadya Suleman’s newborns. What’s even more startling is Suleman is backing this claim. The latest merger of the two high-profile, yet sub-par, celebrities will have even the likes of Geraldo Rivera shaking his head in disbelief.

Suleman, 33, through her now third publicist, Lilly Ramira-Bambatista, has issued the following statement, exclusively, to Women in Crime Ink:

"Although I forever promised the biological father of my eight miracles that I would never release his identity, we have come to a mutual agreement—given the mayhem that has surrounded my babies, that maybe its (sic) best if he were known. As hard as this is going to be to believe, Drew Peterson was the sperm donor, and is the father, of my angels. He simply felt that the press was becoming entirely too negative about myself and the children, and felt his known identity would provide some relief."

Clearly the claim was not to be believed via the mainstream press until Suleman’s own doctor produced the results of a secret paternity test that was taken last Wednesday, March 22nd in San Diego, CA. The results of the test are clear: Drew Peterson (pictured right) is 99.9% the biological father of all eight children. In an era where one thought that news couldn’t possibly get any more bizarre, the story of how Suleman and Peterson allegedly met rises to the top of the ladder.

According to Suleman, the disgraced duo first met in February 2008, through an on-line dating site. By her own admission, she sought out Peterson after his search for a fifth wife was made public—including his e-mail address.

Following various exchanges (numerous messages in which Peterson claimed that actress and serial mom Angelina Jolie was the most beautiful woman on earth), the two agreed to meet for dinner. It was several weeks later that Peterson flew to California, obviously under the scope of the media radar, and the two began a short-term affair. With constant pressure from Suleman, it was Peterson who funded the several plastic surgeries performed in an attempt to forge a resemblance to Angelina Jolie (after she’d gone through a garbage disposal).

According to Peterson, via his attorney, Joel Brodsky, Suleman exhibited extreme signs of mental instability during their brief time together and that it was actually Peterson who broke it off. Hold on. . . .

. . . I’m sorry, I had to pick myself off of the floor after falling over.

The version of how Peterson decided to donate the sperm to Suleman is up for interpretation. According to Brodsky, at the beginning of the creepy couple’s relationship, Suleman frequently spoke of having more children through in vitro fertilization and Peterson simply felt bad for her. At the end, as she was clearly unraveling, he felt that if he donated his sperm she would leave him alone. However, Suleman’s camp is telling a very different story. Her publicist claims that it was Peterson (pictured left leaving an adult video store with Suleman in May 2008), not Suleman, who propositioned the young mother to get pregnant.

Suleman was very knowledgeable about the procedure which in turn produced dollar signs in Peterson’s eyes. It was his idea to be the donor, and keep fingers crossed in the hopes the fertilization would produce, at least, six babies. Peterson, a self-proclaimed fan of the reality show “Jon and Kate plus 8,” and in dire straits financially, felt that Hollywood producers would pay millions for a reality show following a single mother of 12 to 14 kids. Suleman agreed, and the deal was that Peterson would remain anonymous and obtain a percentage of proceeds from promotions, television, and book deals. It was only after the recent media frenzy that Peterson decided to come forward.

My guess is the million-dollar porn deal was just too tempting. Perfect timing as the grand jury is wrapping up their session to determine whether Peterson is responsible for the deaths of two wives. Only a mind like Peterson’s would believe that his having 12 children would sway a judge or jury to spare him. (Go ahead and vomit here.)

When I contacted Joel Brodsky for a statement from Peterson regarding this post, he replied almost immediately:

"I have always been, and always will be, family oriented. I have never been one to shy away from my responsibilities as a father and a husband. . . .” cough-cough "Contrary to some of the rumors going around about my reasons for becoming the donor for Nadya, I simply did it to help a young woman bring new life into the world. For those that are printing and believing those nasty rumors, all of you are as much a fool as the ones who believe this post written by Stacy Dittrich."

Don't be fooled on this April 1st 2009.

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Jimmy Hoffa's Bones Found in NYC Earthquake?

by Kathryn Casey

We all knew it was bound to happen, just didn’t know when.

Who could have predicted that a 3 on the Richter Scale earthquake would hit Manhattan last month, rocking Broadway harder than the Rockettes and pummeling Wall Street as soundly as rising interest rates? Then the bizarre quietly happened on the upper West Side. In a historic building, a former hotel that’s been refurbished into multimillion-dollar apartments, one of the few remaining original basement walls split open and bones were seen walled up behind it.

Whose bones? That’s where this story gets truly interesting.

A team of forensic anthropologists swarmed the site, wondering if they'd discovered the remains of an early New Yorker. When a rope was found around the skeleton's neck, NYPD summarily hung yellow tape and kicked everyone else out. It could have taken months even years to identify the victim, but one of the detectives found a stash of clothes at the skeleton's feet and noticed, “Looks to me like that stuff's from the seventies. Look at all that polyester."

“Hey, didn’t John Gotti keep a room here when it was that dump of a hotel?” asked another cop. “Seems to me that he did.”

“Wouldn’t it be a hoot if we finally found Jimmy Hoffa?” said a third, with a snort. “I always figured Gotti was involved in Hoffa’s disappearance.”

Teamster president and ex-con Hoffa, of course, vanished without a trace from outside the Machus Red Fox Restaurant in Bloomfield Township, Michigan, on July 30, 1975. The feds had long suspected that Hoffa’s disappearance could be tied to the Mafia. He was well known to have underworld connections. In fact the afternoon he disappeared, Hoffa was scheduled to nosh with Detroit mobster Anthony “Tony Jack” Giacalone and New Jersey labor leader Anthony “Tony Pro” Provenzano, a member of the Genovese crime family. To the officers on the scene that day, those facts made the Gotti connection plausible if not probable.

Also backing up their suspicions, this wasn't the first time NYC had been suggested as Hoffa's final resting place. In 2006, Lynda Milito, wife of Gambino crime family member Louie Milito, claimed that her husband once told her he had killed Hoffa and dumped his body near Staten Island’s Verrazano-Narrows Bridge.

Rumors aside, it wasn't until police checked records and determined the clothes found with the skeleton matched those Hoffa was last seen in – a dark blue short-sleeved shirt, blue trousers, white socks and black Gucci loafers – that the possibility Hoffa's remains had finally been found seemed realistic. At that point, the FBI closed down all access to local police and secretly moved in and took over the investigation.

Now, of course, DNA can’t be processed overnight. But the FBI put a priority stamp on the request. Results came back this morning, and they were astonishing. “What we have here is April Fools Day,” said Sergeant Phil Esterhaus. “Hey, be careful out there! You could get spoofed.”

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