How to Save Your Daughter's Life

by Pat Brown

There once was a girl who, after having a fight with her boyfriend, left their apartment in a huff. While she as out wandering around, she decided she might as well check a few places to see if there were any jobs available she might apply for. She walked into the local bowling alley and talked with the manager. She filled out an employment form and they chatted. He was cute and sweet, and he asked if she wanted to hang out and go smoke a joint when he went on break. She was in a bad mood, so she said yes.

He directed her to a door that led into an unused area of the building. He said he would slip in through the back and let her in; he didn't want the other employees to see him sneaking out with her. She followed his directions. He let her into the other part of the building, and they sat down just inside on the floor and smoked the weed and chatted. Not so abnormal for a couple of young people (she was just twenty-two and he was about thirty).

After twenty minutes, his break was over, and he told her he had to get back to work. He instructed her to follow him out the back so he wouldn't get caught "playing hooky" with her. He indicated they would need to go down some stairs into the basement and out the back way.

Suddenly, the girl felt something was wrong. She felt the "gift of fear," as security specialist Gavin de Becker would call it. (Becker is the author of the book of that name in which he advises women to pay attention to their gut feelings about danger.) She told the man she wouldn't go out that way, and she stood next to the glass door at the front. 

He looked at her with dead eyes and said, "You think I am going to kill you, don't you?"

She looked straight back at him and said, "Yes, I do."

He let her out the  front door. Whether he did this because he knew she would put up one hell of a fight or because he admired her for being so direct with him, we will never know.

One thing I do know: I am happy to be alive, because that dumb girl who went off to smoke dope with a stranger was me.

(excerpt from How to Save Your Daughter's Life: Straight Talk for Parents from America's Top Criminal Profiler by Pat Brown)

For more on the book, listen to my interview on Elliot in the Morning.

                 

How to Save your Daughter's Life by Pat Brown available now in local bookstores and online at from Amazon or Barnes and Noble.


Included in this book, what parents of teen girls need to know about:

The Early Years
Partying, Drinking, Drugging, Casual Sex (Hooking Up), and Gangs
Date Rape
The Dangers of Social Networking and the Internet
Risky Relationships
Stalkers
Child Predators, Serial Rapists, and Serial Killers
The Sex Trade and Sex Trafficking

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When Parents Hate Their Children

by Gina Simmons, Ph.D.

I once counseled a 12 year old girl, Amanda, whose parents hated her. Prior to her first therapy session, Amanda had fallen off a wall, breaking her collar-bone. Her father made her wait three hours to go to the hospital because he wanted to watch a football game. In a videotaped session she cried, "why don't my parents love me?" As tears flooded Amanda's cheeks, her stunningly beautiful mother looked at herself on the television monitor and smiled.

While nature provides healthy mothers with lovely bonding brain chemistry, like oxytocin, to stimulate feelings of love and connection, some truly hate their offspring. Hate does not demonstrate itself in simple anger, resentment or hostility. Most parents get very angry when their children misbehave, keep them awake at night, or act disrespectfully. When children disobey parents, a feeling of helplessness follows. When you feel helpless you get angry. Anger can lead to inappropriate discipline and even abuse. In that case parents need anger management training, support and parenting classes. Hate is a different animal.

Another patient described her mother's cold rant, "I wish you had never been born." At 50 years of age the damage from those words still wounded. Another patient said that when her father got angry at the children he would get up from the table and shout, "I'm going to get my gun!" At that point the family would flee the table and hide until the storm passed. When parents hate their children they wish for their annihilation.

The father of Psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, coined the term Oedipus Complex, from the Greek story of Oedipus, about a man who killed his father and married his mother. He used this story to describe a stage of child development when a boy wishes to be close to his mother and push his father away. Eventually, the healthy boy resolves the complex when he identifies with his father and becomes independent from his mother.

I prefer to spotlight the other side of the story, the story of Laius, Oedipus' father. King Laius was told by an oracle that he should never have a child with his wife because that child would kill him, marry his wife and become king. After the birth of his son Oedipus, Laius makes several attempts to kill his son in order to thwart the prophesy and maintain his power. The Laius Complex describes parents who feel so threatened by the power of their children that they wish for and sometimes cause their death.

M. Scott Peck, in his chilling book, The People of the Lie: The Hope For Healing Human Evil, described a case where a family brought in their only remaining son for counseling due to depression after the suicide of their other son. While chatting with the boy to make him feel comfortable Dr. Peck asked about Christmas, and if he received any presents. The boy said he received a gun from his parents for Christmas. Concerned that the parents gave a depressed and suicidal boy a gun for Christmas, Dr. Peck asked more questions. Not only did the parents give a gun to their son, they gave him the same gun the brother had used to kill himself.

Hatred of this sort has a cold, calculating quality. Children raised in these homes feel confused, like Amanda. They feel love for and attachment to their parents, but don't understand why they get only coldness in return. Pioneering psychoanalyst Karen Horney used the term, "basic evil" to define parental indifference. She believed it was not the heat of anger, but the cold indifference of parents that led to many neurotic disorders.

When children lack basic warmth and affection from caregivers they can and do die. Failure to thrive, refers to children whose current weight and rate of growth are lower than expected for their age and gender. The emotional deprivation of unloving parents is listed as one of the causes for failure to thrive syndrome.

Some of my patients raised in emotionally deprived environments talk about how lonely they feel when they try to tell their story. "Most people say, 'oh all parents love their children, maybe your parents just didn't know how to be parents,'" one patient shared. Sometimes what helps break down that feeling of alienation is when someone says, "yes, some parents do hate their children." And it's not your fault.

Photos courtesy of: Pink Sherbet Photography, Picture Truths and Vlad Sfichi.

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How Can I Talk to My Children About Molesters?

by Robin Sax

I can’t tell you how often I am asked, “What should I say to my kids about keeping their bodies safe—without scaring them to death?”

As a prosecutor and a mom, I struggle with the same questions. But I have an added one: Are my kids going to be forever jaded because I work in the tragically real world of child sexual assault crimes?

Actually, the key to keeping such talks from being scary is for parents to assume that body/personal safety discussions are not scary! Just because we, as adults, are terrified of what we know about “the world out there,” we don’t have to convey our fears to our children.

However, there are lessons that kids must know if we expect them to delve into the world as functioning independent adults.

As trite and over-used as the expression seems, “Knowledge truly is power.” I am not suggesting that parents need to tell their kids the gruesome details of every case in the news, or pound statistics into their heads. But youngsters need to have a solid understanding of specific safety skills appropriate to their age and their own personal level of understanding.

The California Department of Justice Web site reminds parents that CDJ representatives “provide safety information to our children in a number of other areas that may seem pretty scary, such as 'drop and roll' if your clothes catch on fire, or 'Look both ways when you cross the street so you don’t get run over.' ”

When it’s time to discuss sexual abuse, the best way to combat the fear associated with such talks is to just start the discussion! It’s never too early to begin giving children information that can help them stay safe. However, treat personal safety like any other parenting lesson—find appropriate times, don’t tackle too many lessons at a time, and consider the child’s own level of development and understanding.

The most important quality is directness, from parent to child, and then back again from the child to the parent. When I speak to my kids, here are some principals that I keep in mind:

Always use the anatomically correct body part names: It is very important that children know and use the correct names for their genitals and “private parts.” I had a case where a child referred to her vagina as her “bread.” It took three different disclosures for the girl’s teachers to realize that when she was saying that “someone touched my bread” she meant her vagina, and not the bread on her peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

A conversation should be a two-way dialogue: Parents should begin talking with children to invite a discussion. By beginning the discussion in a dialogue format, it will encourage both children (and parents) to feel comfortable talking, and allow for the discussion to develop naturally, in a free-flowing manner.

If it accomplishes nothing else, the safety conversation should at least cover these points:

If anything makes you or your child feel uncomfortable, it should not be allowed!

If something uncomfortable happens at home, tell a teacher.

If something uncomfortable happens at school, tell a trusted grownup.

And while we’re on the subject of fear, parents should not use fear or scare tactics educate their children on personal safety. Teaching from scare tactics can often backfire because it goes against the objective to empower the child.

By empowering them, we’re helping them handle any situation that arises, while fear tends to make them freeze and may actually inhibit their ability to cope in an emergency.

The bottom line is: The only thing that should scare you is NOT talking to your children about personal safety!

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Prosecutors Control The Courtroom; Parents Control the Home

by Robin Sax

Hearsay: “It’s Not Fair! Mom!”

Who said that? Paris Hilton, after a judge ordered her to return to jail immediately to serve out the rest of her sentence for violating her probation.

Conventional wisdom suggests that judges control the courtroom. After all, they wear the black robes, sit in elevated chairs behind imposing desks, and insist that everyone refer to them as “Your Honor.”

But as trial lawyers well know, it is the prosecutors who are most in control of the criminal justice system and, by extension, the courtroom.

Prosecutors decide what cases are filed and thus brought into the system. Prosecutors are the primary agents who decide which cases will be settled before trial and which cases ultimately will go to trial. Prosecutors have the ability to “tie the judge’s hands” by limiting the areas in which the court has discretion.

For instance, in mandatory sentencing schemes outlined in specific crimes, a judge’s sentencing options are limited by mandatory minimum sentences.

Even if a judge feels that there are factors to warrant leniency, the mandatory sentencing schemes require the court to impose a set sentence. Without the prosecutor’s assent in altering the charges, the judge’s hands are tied.

The prosecutor’s initial filing decision reverberates throughout the length and breadth of the case. Once in trial, prosecutors are generally the more seasoned attorneys in the courtroom and in large part determine the conduct of trials.

Just as prosecutors “own the courtroom,” parents must “own the home.” There can be no doubt as to who is in charge. While each member of the family plays a part in the makeup of the family unit, the “law” within the home must be determined by the parents. There are a number of telltale signs to answer the “who is in charge” question. For example, take a look around your house. Is your family room overflowing with toys? Is your hallway filled with kids' shoes and balls? Is your kitchen table cluttered with yesterday’s homework assignments? Are you resigned to rationalizing that “my house will be clean when my kids are in college” and accepting the status quo of a kid-dominated house?

Are weekends spent at birthday parties, on soccer fields, dragging kids from one activity or play date (a loathsome phrase) to the next?

Was the last vacation you had without kids your honeymoon, ten years ago?

When you are at a business lunch, do you excuse yourself to go to the “potty”? Do you wipe the crumbs off your colleague’s face? . . . Do you find yourself listening to Barney when you are in the car alone? . . . These all may be signs that you have allowed your children to take too much control of your home, your life, and your existence. This is not to suggest that children should not take a great deal of a parent’s time, energy, and focus. Nor does it mean that parents shouldn’t adapt their homes, lives, and lifestyles to the needs and development of their children.

However, whatever choices and changes that are made should be conscious decisions, made affirmatively by the parent and not merely at the whim of a crying, whining, or nagging child.

If a parent feels that it works better to have toys strewn about a family room, so be it. If a parent chooses not to vacation until the children are in college, fine. But don’t complain about it because you are the boss! Parents must make the decisions and establish the parameters in their house according to what they see fit. No matter how annoying it is, “because I said so” is so.

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Robin Sax Wows Publishers

by Stacy Dittrich

WCI's Sex-crimes Prosecutor Robin Sax, a Los Angeles Deputy District Attorney, has wowed the publishing industry over the last six months. With her uber-agent Claire Gerus, Robin has signed three book deals and will write them over the next year, all the while trying to juggle her job prosecuting heinous sex offenders, managing home life as a mom and wife, and fulfilling her many teaching responsibilities.

Robin's two books, THE COMPLETE IDIOT'S GUIDE TO THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM (Alpha) and EVERYTHING PARENTS NEED TO KNOW ABOUT PREDATORS AND MOLESTERS (Prometheus) are scheduled for release in Spring 2009. A third book, IT HAPPENS EVERY DAY: INSIDE THE WORLD OF A SEX CRIMES D.A. (Prometheus) will follow in Fall 2009.

Needless to say, Robin will be a busy woman over the next year, adding to her already hectic schedule. You can count on Robin rising to the challenge, which she considers another exciting venture in her colorful life. And you can also count on continuing to read Robin's posts here at Women in Crime Ink. Congratulations, Robin!

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