Twitter Gave Me My Break (And Other Things No One Believes)

by Brandon Mendelson 

Humorist, Author, and Social Media Critic

In 1998, Jerry Seinfeld did an HBO special titled “I’m Telling You For The Last Time." The idea behind the special was that Seinfeld would perform his sitcom material one last time and then retire it at the end of the show. For me, this article is like that special. I’m tired of answering questions about the number of people following me on Twitter (more than 800,000), where they came from (Twitter’s Suggested User List), and whether they’re worth anything (Spoiler: They’re not.) So, for the last time... In the Spring of 2008 I went on the Special Ed equivalent of The Fantastic Voyage and thought I was going to buy these buildings. The money was coming from MTV, who was going to sell the inventory I collected from different media outlets. A few months later, for reasons never explained, MTV backed out.

Before that happened, I approached Twitter about promoting the project’s account, which they were cool enough to do. When things went south, I deleted it. Yet another mistake in a long string of them, dating back to that time I wrote a girl snuff fiction. In the Fall that year, I returned to Twitter. I was really into social media and thought I could provide a good spin on things because I knew what worked and what didn’t. When it comes to online marketing, I’ve been at this since 1998. Almost as long as the Web has been commercially available.

Suck on that, Gary Vaynerchuck.

The renewed interest in giving out advice came after a professor at the University at Albany told me how horrible the odds are of getting a job with a Ph.D. in American History, which is what I was working on. I figured if I had no future doing something I enjoyed, I might as well do the thing I hate, but happen to be good at: Marketing. I also applied to a ton of jobs out of fear of unemployment. One of those jobs was at Twitter as an Administrative Secretary. Twitter sent me a rejection letter at the same time this small not-for-profit hired me. They brought me on to visit colleges to promote the early detection of breast cancer. So, I told the people at Twitter about what I was doing, and asked if they’d promote my account the way they did earlier in the year. I didn’t get a response back.

Soon, my wife and I were traveling across America with no money, a dying car, and absolutely no game plan other than “show up at colleges, record anti-breast cancer PSAs”. When we got to our second stop at Raleigh, North Carolina, I held a Twitterthon to help crowdfund our trip. I held the first Twitterthon in January of 2009 (despite what another marketer has since claimed), and it was relatively successful. This time? I made nothing. There was a guy casing our car when we pulled up at the Raleigh hotel (and again when we moved it). I should have asked him to shoot me. If he had, given how the rest of the tour went, he would have done me a favor. If I’m not mistaken, there may still be an open warrant out for my arrest in New Orleans. Later that night, I logged into my Twitter account and found I went from 3,000 followers to about 10,000. Turns out, Twitter decided to help me, and put me on their old Suggested User List. I was the only non-brand, non-media, non-celebrity to be placed there.

Between February 2009 and August 2009 when I was on the list, I reached a million followers. Then, just as I reached follower 9,999,999, I got an email from Twitter telling me they were dumping me. As soon as I came off the list, my followers started to drop by 300 every day. Something that still continues. This happens automatically regardless of what I do. I also noticed that everyone on the old Suggested User List was later incorporated into their new directory of “Who To Follow.” Everyone, that is, except for me. Twitter also verified everyone featured in a CNN article about “5 People On Twitter You’ve Never Heard Of.” Everyone in that article, except for me... again. Somewhere along the way I had pissed Twitter off.

My best guest as to how? After the college tour ended in March of 2009, I realized what a crock social media was and started to be myself online. Instead of talking about innocuous and boring crap, I started tweeting things like “I want to take this moment to remind you that the 'Midget' entry on Wikipedia has been locked for four years”, and “I can’t wait for Easter to end. I’m tired of picking Jesus’s turds up off my lawn.” It wasn’t long after I got into putting out funny tweets, which really picked up in July of 2009, that they dropped me.

Don’t get me wrong, Twitter did me a favor by putting me on the list, and I’m grateful for it. But that not being verified thing? It irks me just as much as not having my own Wikipedia page. (That really doesn’t irk me. Neither of these things do, but a good foofaraw makes for a good story, so let’s just pretend it does). Without being verified, I was now this random guy with all these followers who people never heard of. That brings most to one of two conclusions: either they’re missing out on this awesome party, or "this guy is a spammer." Guess which conclusion people went with? There’s nothing I can do about it though, and that’s fine. I plan to leave Twitter once I’ve established a big enough identity where it doesn’t matter what platform I use. You know, when I’m dead? Or, hopefully in the next year or so when I get back into doing stand-up comedy.

So, you might be thinking, “Why ditch an account with over 800,000 followers?” The most frequently asked question I get is, “How can I get Twitter to promote my account?” The second, but equally annoying one, is “Do you really have that many people following you?” Thankfully, these are both easy to answer. No, Twitter won’t promote your account. I was lucky and got in before they figured out how much money they can make selling Trending Topics and Promoted Accounts. Not that I would recommend you buy either. Why? That brings us to the second answer. Most Twitter accounts are inactive. They may tell you they have 2,000,000 registered users, but they don’t tell you how many are active users. There's a huge difference between the two. Conversely, Facebook Developer Jesse Stay told me Facebook would have a number of users in the billions if they counted their accounts the way Twitter does.

A lot of studies have come out detailing how most accounts are either inactive or not often checked. As it turns out, the majority of tweets are generating by less than a quarter of the actual active, not registered, users. Despite Fox and NBC being stupid and putting hashtags on their shows, only 12 percent of Americans actually have a Twitter account, and again, that just means they have one, not that they use it. So, do I have 800,000 people following me? On paper, yeah. But like social media, what works or appears to be true on paper often isn’t. Now, I’ve got a pretty loyal following, and it seems to be growing despite my best efforts, but it’s nowhere close to the number of people actually following me. Like Michael Ian Black, Bill Cosby, and other celebrities, media outlets, and brands placed on the old Suggested User List, the click-through rate for links is pretty low. Better than what you’d see with display advertising, but still around one percent. Likewise with retweets, at least in my case.

Are those followers worth anything? Only when I’m talking to people who don’t know any better, which is thankfully fewer and fewer. Being able to flash that number has given me opportunities I wouldn’t have got otherwise, and it definitely helped get me a book deal with St. Martin’s Press. My first book, Social Media Is Bullshit, will be out in stores in April 2012. Having that large number of followers is not without its problems though, because unless my book does well, I’m going to be the guy Twitter gave a hand to, and nothing else. And people always expect me to do awesome things for them because of those numbers.

I’ve told every single one of them that’s not the case, and when I can’t deliver for them, they get mad. So, I’ve pretty much stopped doing nice things on Twitter. I’ve also decided to not sweat any of this bullshit and just amuse myself first. If people like it, awesome. If not, I don’t care.

And I have to say, for those of you looking for a “social media policy” or a lesson from all this, that’s the one you should take to heart. Amuse yourself first.

You could be dead tomorrow. 

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Off the Beaten Path: Brandon Mendelson Guest Posts on WCI

Once in awhile we like to go “off the beaten path,” and lighten things up here at Women in Crime Ink. Our contributors occasionally suffer the extreme doldrums of writing about human misery, innocent victims, and societal garbage to the point that we desperately search somewhere for a laugh—anywhere. This is when we like to bring in a guest poster to take us away from the world of crime and focus our attention on something that doesn’t require a legal document or a courtroom.

Monday, guest posting for Women in Crime Ink will be humorist, author, and social critic Brandon Mendelson. Brandon (pictured above) has contributed to sites such as The Huffington Post, CNN, Forbes, Mashable, and countless others. He was previously a new media director for a syndicated ABC television show and a syndicated college survival columnist with CBS. Brandon has been quoted and featured in Newsweek, The New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, Psychology Today, Smart Money Magazine, and other national outlets.

Brandon will give us a break down on the pros and cons of social media, but in his usual humorous, sarcastic, and blunt style. His Twitter page puts the famed, “S!*t My Dad Says,” to shame. You might consider him somewhat of a pro in dealing with social media. With previously one million followers on Twitter, he’ll explain how he got there, why he’s dropped to the dismal number of 800,000, and what is really the true benefit of social media.

He should know; his quest and adventure through Twitter landed him a book deal through St. Martin’s Press. His book, Social Media is Bullshit, debuts April 2012. His Twitter page simply can’t be ignored. But, if you missed his past hilarious Tweets, don’t fret. In June 2011, the e-book, “Poorly Thought Out Grammatical Holocausts, Volume I,” will be available, promising to contain many “never-before read Tweets” from Brandon’s two accounts.

Whether you’re a blogger, blog reader, social media addict, or just looking to put a smile on your face, make sure you come back tomorrow. Most importantly, bring your sense of humor. And don’t worry; we’ll be back to the doldrums on Tuesday.

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Can New Instructions for New Times Change Old Habits?

By Robin Sax

Face it; juries think that a crime occurs and is reported, investigated, filed, prosecuted, deliberated, and sentenced in one hour.  Judges have been so concerned about outside influences in cases that they have resorted to sequestering juries, to granting change of venue motions, and to admonishing jurors to consider only the evidence in front of them.  It is routine practice (and even law) for judges to instruct jurors not to discuss any aspect of the case, consult outside sources or do independent research. But experienced trial lawyers know such warnings often aren't followed. Jurors frequently talk to a spouse, may call a lawyer friend, go take a look-see at the scene of the crime, or even worse ... use the Internet.

Never has doing one's own research been so easy, so anonymous, so undetected. Before the days when, with a fews strokes of the keyboard, one could find information from around the globe, a disobedient juror would have to do original research -- dig information out of newspaper or library morgues, talk to witnesses, consult experts. And if jurors are anything like county employees, the sheer amount of work may have scared them off this path. But today, the technology that makes it so darn easy to violate jury instructions has forced jurisdictions to update rules to address the reality of this new ease of access.

Before lawmakers could even tweak the instructions to incorporate the realities of the Internet in general, newer software has allowed jurors to investigate in real time while the case is still being presented to them. No longer do people need to wait to return to their desktops to peek. With websites like Twitter, YouTube and Facebook, combined with sophisticated cell phones and applications for them or technology like iPads, Kindles and netbooks, jurors can do their sleuthing while court is in session, while witnesses are still on the stand, and while the wheels of justice are supposed to be turning fairly.

Ohio decided that its courts were no longer going to handle these technological issues after the fact.  Instead, it would update and keep current jury instructions, no matter what, and address all of the modern issues floating around ... including the not-so-new issues of TV's  legal and criminal procedural dramas.  Not a bad idea, Ohio.  While it amazes me that we even need such instructions, better to get it all out in the open than to count on our jurors (remember -- they are our voters and drivers) to do the right thing on their own. 

So, if you happen to be sitting on a judicial committee, heed some advice from your friends in Ohio, and consider adding instructions like they did in these sections:

WARNING ON OUTSIDE INFLUENCE. The effort to exclude misleading outside influences information (sic) also puts a limit on getting legal information from television entertainment. This would apply to popular TV shows such as Law and Order, Boston Legal, Judge Judy, older shows like L.A. Law, Perry Mason, or Matlock, and any other fictional show dealing with the legal system. In addition, this would apply to shows such as CSI and NCIS, which present the use of scientific procedures to resolve criminal investigations. These and other similar shows may leave you with an improper preconceived idea about the legal system. As far as this case is concerned, you are not prohibited from watching such shows. However, there are many reasons why you cannot rely on TV legal programs, including the fact that these shows: (1) are not subject to the rules of evidence and legal safeguards that apply in this courtroom, and (2) are works of fiction that present unrealistic situations for dramatic effect. While entertaining, TV legal dramas condense, distort or even ignore many procedures that take place in real cases and real courtrooms. No matter how convincing they try to be, these shows simply cannot depict the reality of an actual trial or investigation. You must put aside anything you think you know about the legal system that you saw on TV.

WARNING ON OUTSIDE INFORMATION. In addition, you absolutely must not try to get information from any other source. The ban on sources outside the courtroom applies to information from all sources such as family, friends, the Internet, reference books, newspapers, magazines, television, radio, a computer, a Blackberry, iPhone, smart phone, and any other electronic device. This ban on outside information also includes any personal investigation, including visiting the site, looking into news accounts, talking to possible witnesses, re-enacting the allegations in the (Complaint)(Indictment), or any other act that would otherwise affect the fairness and impartiality that you must have as a juror.

Those are the warnings, and now the big question: Are these Ohio bar instructions  going to resonate with jurors? Stay tuned.

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October: Cybersecurity Awareness Month

by Robin Sax

Did you know October is National Cybersecurity Awareness Month? Although it's intended to teach Internet users about reporting and avoiding crime, I'd never heard about until recently -- and I live in the world of Internet crime and safety! This is actually the sixth year the Department of Homeland Security has marked Cybersecurity Awareness. They put on events and have lots of information on how to stay safe on the Internet. See http://dhs.gov/ for more details. The information on their site is important to review (for those of us who use the Internet – just a few billion of us), and not many of those billion people know where to get the resources or knowledge to implement Internet safety.

For example, do you know where to file a complaint about a crime that involved the Internet? If you answered law enforcement or the FBI, you get partial credit. The actual answer is much more complicated, an entire protocol for where and how to report crimes related to the ever-growing World Wide Web.

To determine some of the federal investigative law enforcement agencies that may be appropriate for reporting certain kinds of Internet crime, please refer to the following table:

As you can see, the Internet Crime Complaint Center (IC3) noted quite a lot on this chart. So what is the IC3? I bet you didn’t even know that it existed. In their own words, The Internet Crime Complaint Center “is a partnership between the Federal Bureau of Investigation and the National White Collar Crime Center (NW3C). IC3’s mission is to serve as a vehicle to receive, develop, and refer criminal complaints regarding the rapidly expanding arena of cybercrime. The IC3 gives the victims of cybercrime a convenient and easy-to-use reporting mechanism that alerts authorities of suspected criminal or civil violations. For law enforcement and regulatory agencies at the federal, state, and local level, IC3 provides a central referral mechanism for complaints involving Internet related crimes.”

IC3 seems to give an appearance of some sort of coordinated effort between agencies - at least in the reporting of Internet crime. That is a good thing. But what about before the crime occurs – is there a coordinated effort to prevent the crime. In other words, if someone is reporting a crime it means that most likely someone was already victimized. Is after the fact reporting enough? OR do we need to figure out how to police the Web prior to victimization?

The Internet is the largest city in the world. It literally has portals and accessibility to everyone—adults, children, young, old, thieves, pervs, predators, and hundreds of millions of others. While there may be individual rules and regulations for specific sites, or in specific countries, there is very little “law of the land” -- other than the concept of what is illegal in real life is illegal online as well.

There are many Internet crimes that are readily known due to effective media, astute educators - who take the time to bring information to their school communities, successful public relations campaigns, or from the unfortunate victimization of people we hear about or even our own family and friends.

Most people have heard of -or use- social networking sites such as Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn and My Space and also know some online lingo (such as LOL, TTYS, etc.). Many people have heard of concepts such as texting, tweeting, sexting, and cyber-bullying. But there are literally of hundreds of aspects of the Internet that we don’t know about…and we may never know about. There is an underground to the Internet, and it can be very scary.

So what do we do? Bury our heads? Pretend it is not happening? Just complain about it? How about we learn about what we don’t know. Staying current with technology is a must our world today. Figuring out what things are worthy of fear and what things are not can save us from a lot of anxiety. It is critical that we keep our knowledge current about Internet “threats” and can be prepared to face them.

And even though I am going to give you some simple steps you take today to be safer on the Internet, the best way to even know what we are worried about is to peruse, search, and click through the Internet. You can't fear something that you don't know about. Don't simply trust the hype, check it out for yourself. For example, many parents fear "Facebook" but I happen to think that Facebook is among the safer social networking sites out there. They actually have a protocol for dealing with hate crimes, pervs, and bullies. They have security and privacy measures and work diligently to address the issues as the site grows. Is every social networking site that way? No way!! And our social networking sites the only place where trouble lurks? No way. There are websites, ad-sites, instant messaging services, and many more avenues where trouble can surface.

So what's the answer? Know what you don't know. I know it seems daunting and time consuming and it can be. But don't let it!!! Chip away with a places, click through, check it out, and if you need help ASK!!! Want to know what your kids are doing online and can't bear checking yourself? There are sources and resources for help. But if nothing else, keep these tips in mind:

For Your Computer

• Make sure that you have anti-virus software and firewalls installed, properly configured, and up-to-date. New threats are discovered every day, and keeping your software updated is one of the easier ways to protect yourself from an attack. Set your computer to automatically update for you.
• Update your operating system and critical program software. Software updates offer the latest protection against malicious activities. Turn on automatic updating if that feature is available.
• Back up key files. If you have important files stored on your computer, copy them onto a removable disc and store it in a safe place.

For Yourself (Habits To Adopt)

• If you get deceptive spam, including email “phishing” for your information (that means a scam site that is looking for you to input your personal information for the purpose of stealing it), forward it immediately to spam@uce.gov. Be sure to include the full Internet header of the email. Also forward the email to the company, bank, or organization that is impersonated in the phishing email.
• Use strong passwords or strong authentication technology to help protect your personal information.
• If your computer gets hacked or infected by a virus immediately unplug the phone or cable line from your machine. Then scan your entire computer with fully updated anti-virus software, and update your firewall.
• If a scammer takes advantage of you through an Internet auction, when you're shopping online, or in any other way, report it to the Federal Trade Commission, at ftc.gov.

For Your Friends, Family, Colleagues

• Use regular communications in your business (newsletters, e-mail alerts, etc.) and in your home (conversations with your partner and children) to increase awareness on Internet safety issues.
• Set up household and workplace rules on issues such as updating software processes, protecting personal information, securing your wireless network, software downloads, spyware, email attachments.
• Make your preferences clear to your friends regarding email “Forwards” and suspicious attachments.

For more tips, visit: http://http//www.staysafeonline.org/top-tips

Bottom line: educate yourself, be smart, be safe online! Treat the online community like a city street – walk where there are lights, don’t travel in a back ally, keep your senses alert, don’t trust strangers, etc. A small amount of preparation will go a long way in protecting yourself and your family!

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