2011: Yea or Nay?

by Stacy Dittrich 

I can’t help but steal a fabulous quote from a journalist friend of mine, “Hey, 2010! Take your place in the history books and get lost.” Personally, it was the most wretched and god-awful year I’ve had in recent memory, business-wise.

But when the future seems hopeless, I look at my children and husband as reminders of just how lucky I am that they are with me and in good health. Regardless, if I could submerge 2010 in a vat of acid and toss it off a cliff, I would gladly do so. Since I have long tabooed the phrase “the next year couldn’t possibly be worse" (yeah, it can), I decided to play Positive Polly and give my predictions about the world of crime in 2011. 

Casey Anthony

Casey Anthony will marry her cellmate—a gal we know only as Pat, (pictured right with Casey). Although they only speak to each other through the small metal slits of their respective cell doors, their relationship will blossom faster than you can say "Thelma and Louise." Not to mention, Pat will think those pictures of Casey kissing another girl are pretty hot. Casey requests to have Zanny the Nanny as her maid-of-honor. Jose Baez will be Pat’s best man, and the televised nuptials will take place on the eve of Casey’s lethal injection.

George and Cindy will separate. George will take a job with Bates Amusement Company touring the country as a bona fide carnie. He’ll take great pride in his work as the Kiddie Kopter operator, commenting on how all of the little girls remind him of Caylee. Cindy will travel throughout the country in her search for Caylee who, as we all know, is still alive. 

Joran van der Sloot 

Joran’s reign of terror will end abruptly this year when he is murdered under an air of mystery inside his cell at Castro Castro prison. The last person to see Joran alive will be his cell mate, Rico, after giving Joran a full-body massage and pedicure. After the autopsy reveals that Joran had stage 4 anal cancer, officials will close the death investigation because they determined he would’ve died anyway. His body will be donated to the Peruvian Center for Maniacal Mass Murder Studies. 

Colton Harris-Moore, aka “The Barefoot Bandit” 

After caving in to pressure by the ACLU for unlawful prosecution, Moore gets a full pardon by President Obama. Moore will go on to write a best-selling book on his adventures. The book, titled Barefoot and Brainless, will be made into a mega-hit movie starring Ashton Kutcher, and Moore will land his own reality show. Finding himself with millions in the bank, Moore will eventually buy the Bahamian island where he was previously apprehended. 

Nancy Grace

Bombshell! Nancy’s star will continue to rise this year, culminating in her appointment by Obama as the new Crime TV Czar. She will obtain her concealed carry permit and will be offered her third television show, “Gunning Down the Bad Guys with Nancy Grace,” by ABC, for another $40 million. On the home front, John and Lucy will get two new English bulldog puppies for their birthdays. They name them Cleet and Roscoe. 

Jane Velez-Mitchell 

Jane will leave HLN this year. She has issues.

She will embark on a nationwide search and rescue of stray and farm animals. After being caught red-handed releasing chickens from their respective coops, Jane will be arrested, but the charges will eventually be dropped. PETA will name Jane their “Woman of the Year,” and she will be appointed as their CEO. Her platform will be to work alongside Michelle Obama in turning all school lunches vegan.

Me

My dreams will come true this year. My book sales will make Stephanie Meyers’ look like chump change, and I’ll make millions from the movie adaptations. I’ll get to buy my longed-for beachfront double-wide trailer in North Carolina where I’ll spend my days with a bad weave, driving a luxury Kia that I can now afford, and sipping red wine from a box. I’ll be offered a spot on the new show, “The Real Housewives of Bumpkin County,” and get caught up in a scandalous and sordid affair with my landscaper, Horatio (pictured below). 

Women in Crime Ink 

The fabulous alpha-women at the blog step up their game and get offered a television show. They instantly become bestsellers and knock the likes of Clancy and Patterson right off the list. Grisham who? Their television show becomes so successful, it leads to the demise of "Glee," which sparks riots nationwide. As indictments get handed down against the gals of Women in Crime Ink for inducing panic, they are given a full pardon and their taxes are doubled by President Obama. After appointing the WCI ladies to the head of the US Crime Commission, he promises not to run for president again in 2012. Obama appoints Dr. Lillian Glass as the Director of Homeland Security for her uncanny ability to read the terrorists’ body language.

Here at Women in Crime Ink, we frequently discuss disturbing and emotional topics. I’m glad we are able to deviate from that every so often and make our readers smile. I am humbled and honored to be surrounded by such an amazing group of women—and equally amazing readers. So here’s to 2011. I hope it turns out to be a wonderful year for everyone!

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Why the Barefoot Bandit has more Facebook friends than I do

by Pat Brown

BREAKING NEWS! The Barefoot Bandit was captured in the Bahamas on Sunday!

Who is Colton Harris-Moore, the so-named Barefoot Bandit, fugitive burglar and Internet bad boy who just had his two-year crime spree brought to a screeching halt on a small tropical island not far from Florida? Is he a despicable little two-bit teenage thief with no respect for decent people or the law? Or is Harris-Moore a handsome, dazzlingly clever, real-life Pink Panther-type folk hero, a thief with Catch Me if You Can nonviolent con artistry?

However you answer, Harris-Moore's antics have garnered him headlines, even The Today Show's attention. Perhaps not surprising with so much media coverage, he's amassed a huge following, including a Facebook Fan page where more than 65,000 people kept up with his crime spree, as the cops chased him across the globe. Harris-Moore even has a song written about him on YouTube (which sucks, by the way). His supposed Twitter page lists his present location as "Wouldn't you like to know?" (Well, we know now, don't we? In jail.)

A recent tweet read: "I love how Twitter just asked me if I'd like to 'Add Location' to my tweets. Nice try. :-D."

I don't know if it was really Colton Harris-Moore running the Twitter account, but I'm sure whoever is behind it had a good time. Social media and cable news surely made him infamous, but the exposure also backfired, making him recognizable to folks on the lookout. The Bahamians managed to ID the 6'5" blue-eyed blond, and law enforcement closed in. Spree ended.

Let's take a look at this kid. Nineteen-year-old Harris-Moore has a long criminal history starting at the age of twelve. It appears that he got at least some of his criminal mentality from his own mother, a sort of in-house Fagin. Her comments to the press are quite disturbing and revealing. The Tribune out of the Bahamas writes this of Mommy Dearest:

Pam Kohler, Harris-Moore's mother, said she wasn't surprised her son might be responsible for the plane theft because he had taught himself how to fly.

She has publicly defended her son, and claims the allegations against him are exaggerated. She told The Associated Press she would have preferred he fled to a country that doesn't have an extradition treaty with the United States.

"The furthest he gets from the US, the better," she said from her home on Camano Island. "I'm glad he's able to enjoy beautiful islands, but they extradite. It doesn't help matters at all."

Furthermore, Mum whines that he was accused of crimes he didn't do although he managed to get charged with 23 felonies just in his home county.

"It was ridiculous," Kohler said. "They made such a big damn deal of everything. He was blamed for everything that happened in [the] county. [The police] even took some of my jewelry, tried to say that he stole it, and put in in evidence against him."

She doesn't think he's hurting anyone? Let's just ignore the monetary losses, the gun he waved at people, terrifying them. I guess if sonny boy hasn't killed anyone, he's a sweetie-pie.

So Harris-Moore continued his criminal life, presumably with his mom's blessing. Then, a couple of years ago, he ran from a halfway house (undoubted Mom would say he was railroaded) and started his own crime wave. He sometimes committed crimes in bare feet (once he was actually totally naked) and in one burglary he left chalk footprints as his calling card (ooh, so Hollywood). He's a suspect in more than seventy crimes which include burglaries of businesses, home invasions and stolen cars, boats, and airplanes. He is being investigated in Washington State, Oregon, Ohio, Indiana, and Illinois (and other places I'm sure). Then he got really cocky and stole a plane which he crashed into the island of Abaco in the Bahamas.

I guess Mom didn't realize her boy wasn't going to be a terrorist and failed to make sure he knew how to land? It was a dumb place to go. Didn't he realize he was going to an ISLAND? A place surrounded by water and no bus to jump on or car to boost to get away? He did try to steal a speed boat, but he got caught before he could motor off.

Mum may yet come out on top. There's already a movie in the making as 20th Century Fox has bought the film rights to the book "Taking Flight: The Hunt for a Young Outlaw." Pamela Kohler has retained an entertainment lawyer for her own book and possible movie deal.

Colton Harris-Moore's mother says: "I think it is kind of neat." I do too. I think it's kind of neat that he's in custody and going to spend a long, long time in prison. The only thing I don't think is neat that this poor excuse for a mother may think getting pregnant has finally paid off.

I hope all of Harris-Moore's fans are bummed today. People should be cheering those who give to our country, not egging on those who work to destroy it and the good citizens within it. No lazy, victimizing, coldblooded psychopath should have so many folks rooting for him. I hope at some point they see that they're encouraging crime, criminality, and lawlessness.

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