Elite Prep-School Predators

 

by Gina Simmons, Ph.D.

I attended an inner city high school hot with rumors of pervert P.E. teachers and weirdo janitors that left the savvy among us well warned to keep our distance. One of my friends was primed with pot and champagne by a teacher determined to get into her pants. My child's former babysitter was seduced by her band teacher. His abusive behavior and the subsequent criminal trial changed her from a popular talented teen into a socially isolated pariah.

Elite prep-schools possess perverts who groom their victims with promises of wealth and social status. Horace Mann, a prestigious school in New York (ranked by Forbes Magazine as the second best prep-school in the nation) faces a significant blow to its reputation due to a recent New York Times story by playwright Amos Kamil. Kamil, an ambivalent alumni of Horace Mann, wrote a chilling account of decades of sexual abuse of students by faculty.

Kamil writes of  Mark Wright, assistant football coach and art teacher, who held unnecessary "physical examinations" that included fellatio and masturbation. After a student complained, Wright left the school. No announcement was given to parents. Typically institutions that support pedophiles follow the no talk rule. Just keep silent and all will seem as if the sordid affair never happened.

Stan Kops, a weirdo history teacher that liked to "frolic" with his students, was terminated after a student complained that he came up behind him at a camping trip. The next day Kops asked "what were you doing last night" while grabbing his own privates. When the student reported the incident Kops left, then went on to teach at another prep-school. Horace Mann apparently did nothing to warn the next school of Kops inappropriate behavior. Eventually Kops committed suicide.

Johannes Somary, head of the arts and music department, allegedly molested a boy named Ben over several years. Somary took Ben to Europe where they ate expensive meals, stayed in the best hotels, met famous musicians, and shared a bedroom. Ben reported the abuse, as did Ben's mother who confronted Somary. "Ben kissed me first," he claimed. When she demanded, "How dare you put your tongue down my son's mouth!" she said he replied, "That's how we Swiss kiss." A lawyer warned the family that unless they had evidence on tape there was nothing they could do to prove their allegations. After 15 years Ben committed suicide.

Institutional memory of decades of abuse has a way of fading into a vacuum of denial similar to that of the alcoholic. Several rationalizations prevent full disclosure and full repair for the victims. "It's just an isolated incident. It won't happen again. It wasn't that bad. Maybe it didn't even happen. Telling anyone about it will damage my reputation. It's all in the past. Good people will be hurt by talking about it. No use in embarrassing everyone. Revealing this will cost me money." The list of rationalizations could fill volumes.

In the Horace Mann School Family Handbook they mention respect, tolerance for different cultures and the importance of instilling pride in the school. There might be a lot more pride in the school if the children graduate without suffering abuse.

When survivors of abuse fail to receive full restitution and repair from respected institutions like the Catholic Church, and elite schools like Horace Mann or Penn State, it amplifies the original emotional injury. For victims the world organizes itself into an agonizing instrument of humiliation and exploitation with no justice or voice for their pain.

 

That's why we need to keep talking about sexual abuse, keep rubbing it in people's faces until they have to see it, deal with it, care about it. For victims like Ben, suicide provides an escape from unbearable pain and loneliness. When we listen to abuse victims, believe them, love them and accept them, we can minimize the damage, prevent others from becoming victims and save lives.

Photos courtesy of  Graham Morrison/Bloomberg and deadspin.com.

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Why I am Grateful for the Bullies Who Tormented Me

by Gina Simmons, Ph.D.

When I was in the fourth grade, a popular girl named Paula led a gang of girls and boys to engage in a disturbing game at recess.  In this game she commanded the boys to ambush select girls, take off their clothes, and toss the clothes into mud puddles. I became one of Paula’s unfortunate victims. At the time my parents were away on a week-long vacation and I was staying with family friends. Humiliated, tearful, and muddy, I went to the principal’s office. I named names. The principal interviewed all of the children involved. He announced “since all of you told different stories I’m going to punish you all. This week you will all be benched at recess.” My sentence came down to a week of humiliation sitting next to my tormentors during every recess period. By the time my parents returned from vacation I had already served my time.

I learned some valuable lessons from this bully, and others I’ve encountered over the years. I learned that popular people and good people aren’t often the same people. I learned that I could suffer humiliation and survive.  This knowledge gives me the courage to take risks that have paid off in my life. I learned that people in authority look for easy explanations and solutions. I now keep my communication clear, simple, and precise whenever I speak with someone in authority. Complexity and political success do not work well together.

Bully prevention programs have become a cottage industry in this country. The tragic suicides of bullied children break my heart and inspire many of us to find solutions to the problem of human cruelty. Social scientists find that when one person comes to the aid of a victim, it encourages others to step up as well. When we motivate children to speak up for others, it can make a huge difference in the life of a tormented child. 

It’s equally important to help our children develop the inner strength necessary to cope with the inevitable injustice and cruelty they will encounter in life. Kenneth Ginsburg, M.D., a pediatrician joined forces with the AAP in their book, A Parent’s Guide to Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Giving Your Child Roots and Wings. Dr. Ginsburg writes that parents can help their children and teens recover more quickly from painful experiences by fostering what he calls the “seven C’s of resilience.” I’ll talk about four of the C’s here: 

•  Competence: focus on something your child does pretty well, and encourage them to grow in that area. When a child works every day on skill development they can transfer that habit to learning other things important for survival.
• Confidence: when children develop competencies they grow in confidence. Encourage persistence and effort rather than competition and success. I always tell my children, “I’m proud that you worked so hard for that competition,” not “I’m proud that you won.”
• Connection: when children feel secure and loved at home they can suffer at school but have a safe place to recover when they go home. For many children home is just another battlefield. Encourage your child to share feelings with someone they trust.
• Character: children who are taught strong morals and values can find strength in those values when confronted by unethical or cruel behavior. Teach your child to take pride in being a good, caring, compassionate person.

Of course lecturing our children about good character won’t help them learn if they watch us behave badly. In this election year our political discourse remains hostile, rigid, and filled with personal attacks. It might help to listen to your political rhetoric and try to remove the hostile tone. Your children are listening to you, and following your lead.  

Photos courtesy of: j.abalos and Kenziepants.

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Anger, Race and Psychology in The Trayvon Martin Case

by Gina Simmons, Ph.D.

After 17 year old Trayvon Martin was shot last month by a neighbor as he walked home from a convenience store, it poked the deep wound of racial injustice in this country. As more protests mount and African American leaders shout out for justice in this case, we should all seek to understand the emotional and psychological issues that led to this young man's death.

It's likely that Martin's shooter, George Zimmerman, had some unresolved anger issues. As a psychotherapist who specializes in anger and conflict management, in my opinion Zimmerman's comments to emergency and non-emergency police revealed smoldering anger. As he speaks to the police dispatcher he mutters what sounds like a racial slur. He also says, "These a**holes. They always get away."

Perhaps Zimmerman experienced a heightened threat sensitivity, anxiety or paranoia. As neighborhood watch captain he likely perceived any stranger walking through the area as a potential threat. The 46 calls he made to police, in the months prior to the Martin shooting, suggest he took his volunteer position very seriously. Zimmerman, angry about recent burglaries in the area, may have suffered from irrational fears that warped his perceptions.

All of us fall victim to perceptual biases that cloud our judgement and decision-making abilities. The confirmation bias makes us see only the information that confirms our prior beliefs, while ignoring evidence that contradicts them. When racial prejudice mixes with the confirmation bias, we often won't even see behavior outside the stereotype. You can't make decisions based on evidence that you can't see.

Anger distorts our perception by narrowing our focus to the perceived threat. Our brain uses short cuts, called heuristics, to rapidly sort through information. The availability heuristic leads us to make decisions based on what easily comes to mind from our memory. So if we've been reading lots of news reports about terrorist attacks and we hear a loud boom, our first thought might be "we've been attacked by terrorists."

Trayvon Martin likely felt fear in his last moments of life as well. Walking through the neighborhood, talking on the phone to a girl, he may have felt pretty relaxed until he saw a large white man following him. He allegedly mentioned this to the girl. She said she told him to run. Witnesses reportedly heard cries for help, a shot, and then nothing.

In 2005 Zimmerman was twice accused of either criminal misconduct or violence. He reportedly had a spotty employment history and financial problems. As a teen he was the victim of a minor criminal assault. When people feel like victims they often act like abusers, as fear leads them to overreact to minor events. Zimmerman, feeling a renewed purpose as neighborhood watch captain, may have felt a warped sense of urgency about a young black man on his street.

Strong emotions and preexisting anxiety distort perception. You see threats when they are not there. After the 9/11 attacks I worked a 12 hour day. A patient told me they contacted the FBI regarding information they had related to the attacks. Tired and stressed I got into my car, late at night, tossed my purse on the passenger seat and heard a strange crunch. The seat was covered with glass. I leaped out of my car and my first thought, "terrorist." After I got my heart rate under control I noticed that the window was broken and a black trash container was stolen.

The availability heuristic led me to a perceptual error clouded by fatigue and anxiety. This happens to all of us. In my case, no one was harmed by my distortion of perception. Unfortunately for the Martin family, Zimmerman carried a concealed weapon, and apparently felt entitled to use it.

Photos courtesy of David Shankbone and bMethe.

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How to Help Child Victims of Sexual Abuse

by Gina Simmons, Ph.D.

As we learn more about the Penn State child rape scandal, my thoughts and concerns remain with the victims. Many children do not tell anyone what happened. I have clients in their 40's who never told their parents they were raped or molested. Sometimes they don't tell because they were threatened by the perpetrator. Here are a few of the comments said to some of my client victims by their perpetrators:

• If you tell, everyone will blame you.
• No one will believe you and they will call you a liar.
• I'll hurt you and your family if you ever tell.
• Everyone will know what a slut you are.
• I'll do it to your little sister too if you ever tell.
• Your family will know you're gay and never speak to you again.

Perpetrators often pick victims with vulnerabilities they can exploit. Children from single parent families and/or of low socioeconomic status make easier victims - children like those involved in accused child rapist Jerry Sandusky's Second Mile charity. These kids want to protect their family from any more stress, as they might live a paycheck away from hunger and homelessness.

Child victims from wealthier homes or socially prominent families are often threatened with loss of life, social status, or public humiliation. Many child victims take on the heroic burden of protecting their families from pain, by keeping the big secret, at astonishingly young ages. I worked with a little 6 year old girl who said, "I can never tell my mother because she will cry and cry and never stop."

Physical Symptoms

Victims of child rape and molest often go through a familiar painful process. After the physical wounds heal, confusing emotions take hold. Anger, hurt, embarrassment, guilt, shame, fear and revulsion can take residence in the body, causing physical symptoms.

Typical physical symptoms include:

• gastro-intestinal complaints
• stomach aches and headaches
• sleep problems
• encopresis
• enuresis

Behavioral Symptoms
Children often regress to behaviors of a younger age, before the molestation took place. This provides comfort for them as they can imagine a happier sense of safety and innocence. For some the burden of the secret provokes internal conflicts that leak out in a noticeable change of behavior. Some children go from happy, compliant, obedient angels to angry, incorrigible, destructive delinquents after a rape or molestation. Other behavioral symptoms include:

• self-mutilation (burning, cutting, etc.)
• eating disorders
• substance abuse
• sneaking out or running away
• changes in friendship group
• social isolation
• lack of interest in normally pleasurable activities

Damage to Body Image
Rape and molestation change a child's relationship to his or her body. Instead of feeling free to explore the world and master new skills, the body becomes a source of conflict. The little girl assumes her early developing breasts caused the rape. The victimized boy believes his body is defective because it brought on this attack by a pervert. This can trigger a lifelong battle with the body as the enemy of one's happiness and serenity. One young woman raped as a preteen hated her breasts and had panic/rage attacks when men would look at her chest. She begged her parents to have her breasts surgically removed.

Family Reactions Can Hurt Worse Than Rape
Many victims of rape and molestation tell me that they recovered fully from the crime itself, and even forgave the perpetrator. But some feel wounded and resentful years afterward by the reactions of family and friends. Victims of incest often face an even bigger evil. I like this line from the Survivors Speak Out network, "The taboo against talking about incest is stronger than the taboo against doing it." Children raped by family members can be made to feel responsible for the break up of the family. One woman told me that her siblings angrily blamed her for the loss of their father after he was convicted of molesting her. Many victims say, "everyone would be happier if I just shut up and disappeared." That's a cruel and unfair burden for a child to bear.

How To Protect Your Children

Children need to know about sexual matters. Ignorant children are vulnerable. Parents should provide age appropriate sexual education starting with the proper naming of body parts in toddlerhood. Parents need to know that words like "rape", "penis", and"vagina" are talked about on every elementary school playground. It's best if these terms are defined by the parents, and not by a seven year old who watches R-rated films.

Sexual abuse prevention programs, like Good Touch, Bad Touch, provide parents with helpful guidelines for preventing child abuse. It's important for parents to know that just because a child knows the difference between "good" and "bad" touch, doesn't mean that child should be responsible for self-protection. Parents need to remain vigilant. Children should never be coerced into providing physical affection to relatives and friends. This disturbs their ability to set appropriate boundaries with adults or teens who wish to get too close. We all have a natural "ick" detector, and if we've been forced to endure grandpa's icky wet kisses, we can lose that protective instinct.

One of my biggest peeves involves the squeamish, juvenile avoidance of sexual communication in families. It's is one of the biggest, crazy-making ironies of our culture, that sex is everywhere, selling everything and yet parents can't say the words "penis", "vulva" or "vagina" without red-faced embarrassment. Years ago I confronted this discomfort at a meeting at a mental health clinic. A group of professionals were discussing what should be on the new counseling intake form. In a long list of questions about substance abuse, legal difficulties, and family history of mental illness, someone suggested sexual abuse should be on the form. Another therapist said, "oh no, we don't want to open that can of worms." As I felt the bile go to my throat I said, "why is sex abuse any bigger can of worms than substance abuse? Victims need a safe place to talk. It's our job to hear these things, open them up for discussion and help victims heal." The question ended up on the form.

When we feel and act embarrassed talking about sex around children we just add to the pedophiles arsenal of weapons. When we equate ignorance with innocence and virginity with purity, we give the perpetrator the ability to define the abuse as good and the child as bad. Do we want our children so ignorant that they learn about sex from a pervert? Is a raped child any less pure? Perpetrators know that kids are sexually ignorant and parents won't ask the right questions. Child abusers know that adults get all wimpy and squeamish and giggly at the mention of anything sexual. Perpetrators thrive in an environment of denial and avoidance.

What To Do if Your Child Was Molested

If your child shares abuse information with you let them talk. Listen without judgment. Let them know you love them. Call the National Child Abuse Hotline (1-800-4-A-CHILD) for help. Take the child for a medical exam, and consider rape counseling and support groups. Get educated with resources and books like, What To Do When Your Child Has Been Molested, or this helpful article from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network. 

Imagine that instead of sexual abuse, your child is telling you about getting beat up at school. Would you get all embarrassed and tongue-tied? Would you flip out and get homicidal? It's more likely that you would ask questions like, "what happened?" and "are you hurting anywhere?" Express loving concern, but stay calm and supportive. The child has enough to worry about without having to take care of you.

It's important to know that a child's life need not be ruined by sexual victimization. Many children recover and go onto lead healthy, normal lives after molestation and rape. What's most important is how their loved-ones react, and how safe they feel after the trauma.

Other factors that impact recovery from abuse include:

• The severity of abuse
• The duration of the abuse
• The relationship to the perpetrator

Actress, Goldie Hawn writes about her molestation as a child, in her memoir A Lotus Grows in the Mud. She says she was able to recover and feel normal feelings of trust for men after her mother explained that the perpetrator was "sick in the head." Goldie felt loved and accepted by her mother, and says she was never made to feel "dirty" or defective because of the abuse.

One silver lining in the media's attention to the Penn State scandal is that it might encourage more victims to come out and talk about their abuse. Relinquishing the secret of sexual victimization can help many begin to heal. Realize that a victim is a complex human being, with a unique story. We are splendid and beautiful beings, far more significant than any crime(s) perpetrated against us.

Photos courtesy of pinksherbet photography and Alan Light.

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When Parents Hate Their Children

by Gina Simmons, Ph.D.

I once counseled a 12 year old girl, Amanda, whose parents hated her. Prior to her first therapy session, Amanda had fallen off a wall, breaking her collar-bone. Her father made her wait three hours to go to the hospital because he wanted to watch a football game. In a videotaped session she cried, "why don't my parents love me?" As tears flooded Amanda's cheeks, her stunningly beautiful mother looked at herself on the television monitor and smiled.

While nature provides healthy mothers with lovely bonding brain chemistry, like oxytocin, to stimulate feelings of love and connection, some truly hate their offspring. Hate does not demonstrate itself in simple anger, resentment or hostility. Most parents get very angry when their children misbehave, keep them awake at night, or act disrespectfully. When children disobey parents, a feeling of helplessness follows. When you feel helpless you get angry. Anger can lead to inappropriate discipline and even abuse. In that case parents need anger management training, support and parenting classes. Hate is a different animal.

Another patient described her mother's cold rant, "I wish you had never been born." At 50 years of age the damage from those words still wounded. Another patient said that when her father got angry at the children he would get up from the table and shout, "I'm going to get my gun!" At that point the family would flee the table and hide until the storm passed. When parents hate their children they wish for their annihilation.

The father of Psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, coined the term Oedipus Complex, from the Greek story of Oedipus, about a man who killed his father and married his mother. He used this story to describe a stage of child development when a boy wishes to be close to his mother and push his father away. Eventually, the healthy boy resolves the complex when he identifies with his father and becomes independent from his mother.

I prefer to spotlight the other side of the story, the story of Laius, Oedipus' father. King Laius was told by an oracle that he should never have a child with his wife because that child would kill him, marry his wife and become king. After the birth of his son Oedipus, Laius makes several attempts to kill his son in order to thwart the prophesy and maintain his power. The Laius Complex describes parents who feel so threatened by the power of their children that they wish for and sometimes cause their death.

M. Scott Peck, in his chilling book, The People of the Lie: The Hope For Healing Human Evil, described a case where a family brought in their only remaining son for counseling due to depression after the suicide of their other son. While chatting with the boy to make him feel comfortable Dr. Peck asked about Christmas, and if he received any presents. The boy said he received a gun from his parents for Christmas. Concerned that the parents gave a depressed and suicidal boy a gun for Christmas, Dr. Peck asked more questions. Not only did the parents give a gun to their son, they gave him the same gun the brother had used to kill himself.

Hatred of this sort has a cold, calculating quality. Children raised in these homes feel confused, like Amanda. They feel love for and attachment to their parents, but don't understand why they get only coldness in return. Pioneering psychoanalyst Karen Horney used the term, "basic evil" to define parental indifference. She believed it was not the heat of anger, but the cold indifference of parents that led to many neurotic disorders.

When children lack basic warmth and affection from caregivers they can and do die. Failure to thrive, refers to children whose current weight and rate of growth are lower than expected for their age and gender. The emotional deprivation of unloving parents is listed as one of the causes for failure to thrive syndrome.

Some of my patients raised in emotionally deprived environments talk about how lonely they feel when they try to tell their story. "Most people say, 'oh all parents love their children, maybe your parents just didn't know how to be parents,'" one patient shared. Sometimes what helps break down that feeling of alienation is when someone says, "yes, some parents do hate their children." And it's not your fault.

Photos courtesy of: Pink Sherbet Photography, Picture Truths and Vlad Sfichi.

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The Limits of Eyewitness Testimony

by Gina Simmons, Ph.D.

A few years ago I attended a concert with my husband and our two teen-aged boys. After the concert, as we filed passed the aisles toward the exit, a drunk heavy-set man shoved my smaller son out of his way so he could pass in front of us. The shove was violent enough that my son was knocked into me.

Most mothers find, at some point in their lives, that a ferocious beast resides inside of you. This bear of a beast only appears when someone threatens or hurts your child. In my mind, the man was fat, out of shape, just a little taller than me. I could take him down! "Keep your hands off my son!" I growled. My husband and larger son made a path for us to get away from the drunk man. After we arrived safely at our car, the four of us talked about the incident. My two boys and husband described the man as approximately 6-feet-2 inches, muscular, with a pot belly. I saw him as about 5-feet-7 and, in that moment of confrontation, I truly believed I could Wonder-Woman him to the ground. Fueled by adrenalin and an instinct to protect my child, I would have made a lousy witness in this case.

According to the Innocence Project, eyewitness testimony is responsible for 75 percent of wrongful convictions overturned by DNA evidence. Many eyewitnesses to more serious criminal offenses find themselves in a similar state of nervous system arousal. Adrenalin pumping, heart racing, pupils dilating, your whole system mobilizes to defend or escape. Some people report experiencing the traumatic event as if it were happening in slow motion. You replay it over and over again, in an effort to make sense of it all. Sometimes, in that replay, we fill in the blank spots of the story with false information in order to make the story connect.

For example, imagine you've stopped at a convenience store. In front of you at the check-out line is a person wearing a dark sweatshirt with a hood. You're looking around the store, wondering if you need to get anything else, when you hear a loud boom. You look back and the person in the hoody is reaching over the counter and pulling money out of a cash register. You look around for a place to hide. Other customers are screaming and shouting different things. "He's getting away! The clerk's been shot." Out of the corner of your eye you see a dark-blue car speed out of the parking lot. Some time later, the police arrive and begin to interview the witnesses. You tell the police that a man pulled a gun, shot the clerk, took money out of the register, and sped away in a dark-blue car.

The clerk gets up from behind the counter and starts to cry. She thought she had been shot. No blood, no bullet, no injury. A witness from outside the store said he saw a large woman in a hooded sweatshirt run out of the store and down a back alley. That witness also saw a black truck speed away in the opposite direction. What did you actually see? The back of a person, could be male or female, in a hooded sweatshirt, took money out of the register, and a dark-colored vehicle sped away. The gender, age, and race of the thief, the source of the loud boom, and the method of get-away are still unknown.

Your eyewitness statement was contaminated by the normal human need to connect the dots of a story, to make sense of a situation. You heard another witness say, "He's getting away," so you assumed the perpetrator was a man. The loud boom, and the fact that you could no longer see the clerk, made you assume she had been shot. This story emphasizes the need for law enforcement officers to interview witnesses as soon as possible after an event, and interview them individually. As tiresome as that process feels to the witnesses, it does help prevent the confabulation of memories as people influence one another to fill in the missing pieces of the story.

When we see things out of our peripheral vision, color vision is distorted. The cells in our eyes that perceive color, called cones, fade out in our peripheral vision. If you don't see something head on, you will often mistake the color. As we age, our night vision gets poorer as we lose the more sensitive rod cells. These cells are responsible for motion detection and night vision. The rods are highly sensitive to motion, so you can block something flying toward your head. In the eyewitness example, if you see something out of your peripheral vision you likely will get the color wrong, unless you also see it straight on, in good light, with normal color vision.

The recent execution in Georgia of Troy Davis, convicted of murder based solely on eyewitness testimony, should give us all cause for concern. Seven of the 10 eyewitnesses to the crime either recanted or significantly altered their testimony. Despite the significant holes in the case, Troy Davis was executed on September 21, 2011. The family of murder victim Officer Mark Mac Phail reportedly saw "nothing to rejoice about" in the execution of Troy Davis. Hopefully, they will find some peace and healing.

Officer Mac Phail, jumped to the aid of a homeless man who was being attacked. He was murdered trying to save the life of a stranger. He is survived by a wife and two young children who will never get to know their father. I hope justice, not merely vengeance, prevailed in this case.

Photos courtesy of: Looking glass, CGoulao, and Clearly Ambiguous

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