Monday, January 3, 2011

2011: Yea or Nay?

by Stacy Dittrich 

I can’t help but steal a fabulous quote from a journalist friend of mine, “Hey, 2010! Take your place in the history books and get lost.” Personally, it was the most wretched and god-awful year I’ve had in recent memory, business-wise.

But when the future seems hopeless, I look at my children and husband as reminders of just how lucky I am that they are with me and in good health. Regardless, if I could submerge 2010 in a vat of acid and toss it off a cliff, I would gladly do so. Since I have long tabooed the phrase “the next year couldn’t possibly be worse" (yeah, it can), I decided to play Positive Polly and give my predictions about the world of crime in 2011. 

Casey Anthony

Casey Anthony will marry her cellmate—a gal we know only as Pat, (pictured right with Casey). Although they only speak to each other through the small metal slits of their respective cell doors, their relationship will blossom faster than you can say "Thelma and Louise." Not to mention, Pat will think those pictures of Casey kissing another girl are pretty hot. Casey requests to have Zanny the Nanny as her maid-of-honor. Jose Baez will be Pat’s best man, and the televised nuptials will take place on the eve of Casey’s lethal injection.

George and Cindy will separate. George will take a job with Bates Amusement Company touring the country as a bona fide carnie. He’ll take great pride in his work as the Kiddie Kopter operator, commenting on how all of the little girls remind him of Caylee. Cindy will travel throughout the country in her search for Caylee who, as we all know, is still alive. 

Joran van der Sloot 

Joran’s reign of terror will end abruptly this year when he is murdered under an air of mystery inside his cell at Castro Castro prison. The last person to see Joran alive will be his cell mate, Rico, after giving Joran a full-body massage and pedicure. After the autopsy reveals that Joran had stage 4 anal cancer, officials will close the death investigation because they determined he would’ve died anyway. His body will be donated to the Peruvian Center for Maniacal Mass Murder Studies. 

Colton Harris-Moore, aka “The Barefoot Bandit” 

After caving in to pressure by the ACLU for unlawful prosecution, Moore gets a full pardon by President Obama. Moore will go on to write a best-selling book on his adventures. The book, titled Barefoot and Brainless, will be made into a mega-hit movie starring Ashton Kutcher, and Moore will land his own reality show. Finding himself with millions in the bank, Moore will eventually buy the Bahamian island where he was previously apprehended. 

Nancy Grace

Bombshell! Nancy’s star will continue to rise this year, culminating in her appointment by Obama as the new Crime TV Czar. She will obtain her concealed carry permit and will be offered her third television show, “Gunning Down the Bad Guys with Nancy Grace,” by ABC, for another $40 million. On the home front, John and Lucy will get two new English bulldog puppies for their birthdays. They name them Cleet and Roscoe. 

Jane Velez-Mitchell 

Jane will leave HLN this year. She has issues.

She will embark on a nationwide search and rescue of stray and farm animals. After being caught red-handed releasing chickens from their respective coops, Jane will be arrested, but the charges will eventually be dropped. PETA will name Jane their “Woman of the Year,” and she will be appointed as their CEO. Her platform will be to work alongside Michelle Obama in turning all school lunches vegan.


My dreams will come true this year. My book sales will make Stephanie Meyers’ look like chump change, and I’ll make millions from the movie adaptations. I’ll get to buy my longed-for beachfront double-wide trailer in North Carolina where I’ll spend my days with a bad weave, driving a luxury Kia that I can now afford, and sipping red wine from a box. I’ll be offered a spot on the new show, “The Real Housewives of Bumpkin County,” and get caught up in a scandalous and sordid affair with my landscaper, Horatio (pictured below)

Women in Crime Ink 

The fabulous alpha-women at the blog step up their game and get offered a television show. They instantly become bestsellers and knock the likes of Clancy and Patterson right off the list. Grisham who? Their television show becomes so successful, it leads to the demise of "Glee," which sparks riots nationwide. As indictments get handed down against the gals of Women in Crime Ink for inducing panic, they are given a full pardon and their taxes are doubled by President Obama. After appointing the WCI ladies to the head of the US Crime Commission, he promises not to run for president again in 2012. Obama appoints Dr. Lillian Glass as the Director of Homeland Security for her uncanny ability to read the terrorists’ body language.

Here at Women in Crime Ink, we frequently discuss disturbing and emotional topics. I’m glad we are able to deviate from that every so often and make our readers smile. I am humbled and honored to be surrounded by such an amazing group of women—and equally amazing readers. So here’s to 2011. I hope it turns out to be a wonderful year for everyone!

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