How to Help Child Victims of Sexual Abuse

by Gina Simmons, Ph.D.

As we learn more about the Penn State child rape scandal, my thoughts and concerns remain with the victims. Many children do not tell anyone what happened. I have clients in their 40's who never told their parents they were raped or molested. Sometimes they don't tell because they were threatened by the perpetrator. Here are a few of the comments said to some of my client victims by their perpetrators:

• If you tell, everyone will blame you.
• No one will believe you and they will call you a liar.
• I'll hurt you and your family if you ever tell.
• Everyone will know what a slut you are.
• I'll do it to your little sister too if you ever tell.
• Your family will know you're gay and never speak to you again.

Perpetrators often pick victims with vulnerabilities they can exploit. Children from single parent families and/or of low socioeconomic status make easier victims - children like those involved in accused child rapist Jerry Sandusky's Second Mile charity. These kids want to protect their family from any more stress, as they might live a paycheck away from hunger and homelessness.

Child victims from wealthier homes or socially prominent families are often threatened with loss of life, social status, or public humiliation. Many child victims take on the heroic burden of protecting their families from pain, by keeping the big secret, at astonishingly young ages. I worked with a little 6 year old girl who said, "I can never tell my mother because she will cry and cry and never stop."

Physical Symptoms

Victims of child rape and molest often go through a familiar painful process. After the physical wounds heal, confusing emotions take hold. Anger, hurt, embarrassment, guilt, shame, fear and revulsion can take residence in the body, causing physical symptoms.

Typical physical symptoms include:

• gastro-intestinal complaints
• stomach aches and headaches
• sleep problems
• encopresis
• enuresis

Behavioral Symptoms
Children often regress to behaviors of a younger age, before the molestation took place. This provides comfort for them as they can imagine a happier sense of safety and innocence. For some the burden of the secret provokes internal conflicts that leak out in a noticeable change of behavior. Some children go from happy, compliant, obedient angels to angry, incorrigible, destructive delinquents after a rape or molestation. Other behavioral symptoms include:

• self-mutilation (burning, cutting, etc.)
• eating disorders
• substance abuse
• sneaking out or running away
• changes in friendship group
• social isolation
• lack of interest in normally pleasurable activities

Damage to Body Image
Rape and molestation change a child's relationship to his or her body. Instead of feeling free to explore the world and master new skills, the body becomes a source of conflict. The little girl assumes her early developing breasts caused the rape. The victimized boy believes his body is defective because it brought on this attack by a pervert. This can trigger a lifelong battle with the body as the enemy of one's happiness and serenity. One young woman raped as a preteen hated her breasts and had panic/rage attacks when men would look at her chest. She begged her parents to have her breasts surgically removed.

Family Reactions Can Hurt Worse Than Rape
Many victims of rape and molestation tell me that they recovered fully from the crime itself, and even forgave the perpetrator. But some feel wounded and resentful years afterward by the reactions of family and friends. Victims of incest often face an even bigger evil. I like this line from the Survivors Speak Out network, "The taboo against talking about incest is stronger than the taboo against doing it." Children raped by family members can be made to feel responsible for the break up of the family. One woman told me that her siblings angrily blamed her for the loss of their father after he was convicted of molesting her. Many victims say, "everyone would be happier if I just shut up and disappeared." That's a cruel and unfair burden for a child to bear.

How To Protect Your Children

Children need to know about sexual matters. Ignorant children are vulnerable. Parents should provide age appropriate sexual education starting with the proper naming of body parts in toddlerhood. Parents need to know that words like "rape", "penis", and"vagina" are talked about on every elementary school playground. It's best if these terms are defined by the parents, and not by a seven year old who watches R-rated films.

Sexual abuse prevention programs, like Good Touch, Bad Touch, provide parents with helpful guidelines for preventing child abuse. It's important for parents to know that just because a child knows the difference between "good" and "bad" touch, doesn't mean that child should be responsible for self-protection. Parents need to remain vigilant. Children should never be coerced into providing physical affection to relatives and friends. This disturbs their ability to set appropriate boundaries with adults or teens who wish to get too close. We all have a natural "ick" detector, and if we've been forced to endure grandpa's icky wet kisses, we can lose that protective instinct.

One of my biggest peeves involves the squeamish, juvenile avoidance of sexual communication in families. It's is one of the biggest, crazy-making ironies of our culture, that sex is everywhere, selling everything and yet parents can't say the words "penis", "vulva" or "vagina" without red-faced embarrassment. Years ago I confronted this discomfort at a meeting at a mental health clinic. A group of professionals were discussing what should be on the new counseling intake form. In a long list of questions about substance abuse, legal difficulties, and family history of mental illness, someone suggested sexual abuse should be on the form. Another therapist said, "oh no, we don't want to open that can of worms." As I felt the bile go to my throat I said, "why is sex abuse any bigger can of worms than substance abuse? Victims need a safe place to talk. It's our job to hear these things, open them up for discussion and help victims heal." The question ended up on the form.

When we feel and act embarrassed talking about sex around children we just add to the pedophiles arsenal of weapons. When we equate ignorance with innocence and virginity with purity, we give the perpetrator the ability to define the abuse as good and the child as bad. Do we want our children so ignorant that they learn about sex from a pervert? Is a raped child any less pure? Perpetrators know that kids are sexually ignorant and parents won't ask the right questions. Child abusers know that adults get all wimpy and squeamish and giggly at the mention of anything sexual. Perpetrators thrive in an environment of denial and avoidance.

What To Do if Your Child Was Molested

If your child shares abuse information with you let them talk. Listen without judgment. Let them know you love them. Call the National Child Abuse Hotline (1-800-4-A-CHILD) for help. Take the child for a medical exam, and consider rape counseling and support groups. Get educated with resources and books like, What To Do When Your Child Has Been Molested, or this helpful article from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network. 

Imagine that instead of sexual abuse, your child is telling you about getting beat up at school. Would you get all embarrassed and tongue-tied? Would you flip out and get homicidal? It's more likely that you would ask questions like, "what happened?" and "are you hurting anywhere?" Express loving concern, but stay calm and supportive. The child has enough to worry about without having to take care of you.

It's important to know that a child's life need not be ruined by sexual victimization. Many children recover and go onto lead healthy, normal lives after molestation and rape. What's most important is how their loved-ones react, and how safe they feel after the trauma.

Other factors that impact recovery from abuse include:

• The severity of abuse
• The duration of the abuse
• The relationship to the perpetrator

Actress, Goldie Hawn writes about her molestation as a child, in her memoir A Lotus Grows in the Mud. She says she was able to recover and feel normal feelings of trust for men after her mother explained that the perpetrator was "sick in the head." Goldie felt loved and accepted by her mother, and says she was never made to feel "dirty" or defective because of the abuse.

One silver lining in the media's attention to the Penn State scandal is that it might encourage more victims to come out and talk about their abuse. Relinquishing the secret of sexual victimization can help many begin to heal. Realize that a victim is a complex human being, with a unique story. We are splendid and beautiful beings, far more significant than any crime(s) perpetrated against us.

Photos courtesy of pinksherbet photography and Alan Light.

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Murphy Milano's Exceptional Victims Handbook is Here!

by Women in Crime Ink

Just when the public has begun to believe that domestic violence is a crime of the past, the case of "Survivor" producer Bruce Beresford-Redman makes headlines. The case contains all the ingredients of a domestic homicide.

We have seen domestic violence creep back into pop culture and celebrity justice -- a la the Chris Brown and Charlie Sheen cases. There's no arguing that there's a problem, but one can’t help but ask: What can we do?

Leaving the abuse is the only solution, but that's a lot easier said than done. But leaving, and preparing to leave, just got a leap easier thanks to tireless victims' advocate Susan Murphy Milano. In her new book Time's Up, Murphy Milano offers clear directions on how to leave without being killed.

It's an understatement to say Murphy Milano hits the nail on the head (again). She calls the well-crafted, timely guide the culmination of the years she spent helping save the lives of women escaping domestic violence. In this soup-to-nuts handbook of 12 clearly written chapters, she provides the ABCs of getting away from an abusive relationship with your life. Her concrete instructions give victims of domestic violence a stronger position in the criminal justice system.

For example, in Chapter 4 (Declaration of Independence), Murphy Milano describes and prescribes an Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit –- a document to help in the serious, dangerous, and daunting process of leaving an abuser. The concept is simple yet genius: leaving your abuse requires planning. The chapter has a usable sample document. The affidavit is a wonderful tool for documenting injuries or other evidence of violence -- violence that perhaps leads to the affiant's murder -- and offers hope of holding the abuser criminally responsible. With this sample, you would write out your wishes, the details of the abuse, sign it, have someone witness it, get it notarized, and keep it somewhere secure, safe and out of the abuser's reach.

Take these circumstances for example:

You are in a dating relationship. The guy lives out of state. He's angry that you broke off the relationship. You have sense that he is planning to harm you because he can't have you in his life anymore. He leaves threatening messages on your voice mail or in texts that make you uneasy and afraid. His e-mails are emotional and may contain threats of what might happen if you do not come to your senses. Maybe he sends a threatening e-mail threatening to take his own life if you don't return to him. This suicide threat is also a sign you might be in danger. You need to complete this document and follow the instructions provided.

The biggest gem in the book is the recommendation to film the Declaration. From a prosecutor’s perspective -- for so many reasons -- this video explaining why you are leaving, why you are concerned and afraid, describing your history of being battered and/or stalked, will be the best evidence in the worst possible scenario.

If you trust someone at work to record you, or you belong to a church that's willing to make a brief recording for you – take the opportunity to do it, and then send the tape somewhere where the abuser can't find it.

One thing I would add to Murphy Milano's suggestions to victims: if you can't get a will notarized or have a witness present (perhaps because your abuser is watching you, or you need to leave in a hurry), I would recommend creating what is known as a holographic will. This is a will that has been entirely handwritten and signed. Normally, a will must be signed by a witness who attests to the validity of the document. However, in many jurisdictions, holographic wills will be treated equally under the law.

Can you imagine how valuable it would have been for Stacy Peterson’s family to have a Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit and/or video, or a handwritten (holographic) will? Stacy is still missing, and her family has no peace. Most people are convinced her husband had a hand in her disappearance, but she left no message behind. Her children and parents have no idea what to do with her belongings. You can see how far this simple preparation would have gone in the Peterson case.

Escaping domestic abuse often takes many baby steps. Frightened women whose husbands or boyfriends have beaten, threatened or stalked them need some hand-holding through the process. As she has done one at a time in the past, Murphy Milano reaches out a hand in a way she hopes will save far more women and children than she can in person. Now it's up to those women to garner the courage to find the book and use all the advice Murphy Milano studded it with. Do it now! Do it fast! Don't spend one more day in an abusive relationship that could end in death. But, as Murphy Milano warns, plan well for that escape, and don't give the abuser the faintest hint that you are leaving.

Thank you to Susan Murphy Milano for giving us what Nancy Grace aptly describes as a succinct, well-written guidebook that is a must-have for anyone who is a domestic-abuse victim, knows one, or works with abused women. It is Murphy Milano's life dream that this book will be a staple at divorce-attorneys' offices, police stations, emergency rooms, libraries, battered women's shelters, religious buildings, and doctors' offices.

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How Crime Victims Become Crime Survivors

by Diane Dimond

It was an overcast October Saturday at the Joint Forces Training Base at Los Alamitos, California. The 7 am start time was daunting, but I’d promised to go. I’m glad I did. It was the annual “Survive and Thrive” 5K run/walk event put on by a group called Crime Survivors. Note that it’s not crime victims – it’s crime survivors. And before you ask, no, I didn’t run, but I did walk.

The woman who started Crime Survivors is Patricia Wenskunas, my hero.

She is a blond dynamo, a catering event planner by trade and a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and attempted murder. She speaks gently, but her message packs a wallop: Crime victims deserve consideration, at least as much consideration as the criminal gets. It was a point I heard repeatedly from the crowds who attended this annual event, all touched in life-changing ways. Several participants wore T-shirts with the image of their dead loved one, taken away in a sudden spurt of violence.

Many told me what they’d endured: childhood rapes, adult sexual assaults, domestic violence deaths, or family who were killed by repeat drunk drivers. Several spoke of senseless murder. Every single person said after police arrived to tell them the awful news they were left in a foggy swirl of loneliness. They spoke of how hard it was to heal and discover the pathway to their own recoveries.

“Hi, I’m Diane Dimond. May I ask what brought you here today?”

Juenenne, a woman about my age, silently pointed to the picture of her handsome son, Jake Eric Jackson, on her shirt. Her chin quavered, her eyes brimmed and suddenly there we were – two total strangers standing on a parade field on a distant military base full of victims' rights advocates – hugging each other.

“He was at a club one night. There were a couple of guys disrespecting a young lady, and Jake stepped in to help. One hit him in the face and wrestled with him. One took out a gun and shot Jake in the chest. As he lay dying, the other man kicked him and stomped on him.”

Juenenne had driven nearly two hours that morning from her home in Phelan, California, as a step along her path to recovery. She hoped mixing with others who shared similar pain might ease her sorrow.

Doves Mean Hope

After the speeches, Patricia invited a few family members up to the front to hold and then release beautiful white doves into the overcast sky. As touching music played, Patricia gave a lingering hug to each survivor, and then the doves flew off, one by one, instinctively circling overhead, waiting for the others so they could fly off in unison. Their unity in the dreary sky was inspiring. That’s when I first noticed Mary Ann, who was certainly thinking of her dead son, Jonathan Muse, as she released her dove.

On the walking path lined with three-foot-tall pictures of lost loved ones, Mary Ann and I talked. She’d been angry at her 17-year-old son for getting his 16-year-old girlfriend pregnant. In a huff, he’d jumped on a bike at midnight and ridden off down the street. A carload of gang members happened by and inexplicably shot Jonathan dead. Mary Ann, a nurse who is married to a police officer, was pushing a baby carriage as we talked. Inside was little Shayla (photo below right), the new grandbaby who will never know her father.

“I don’t know what I’d do without this child,” Mary Anne said as she clenched her teeth against the tears.

Juenenne got justice. The two men who killed her son are in prison. Mary Ann has not, and that's part of the problem so many victims of crime face. Their terrible loss is made more burdensome as they try to navigate the justice system. Police are too busy to deliver updates on their cases, court proceedings are confusing, and the parole system is frightening. On this staggeringly long journey to justice, these folks feel victimized again and again.

I wish we could clone Patricia’s Crime Survivors group nationwide. They help educate the public and police about victim’s rights. They push to change laws and attitudes. Crime Survivors donates thousands of adult and child emergency victim bags to law enforcement every year so officers can offer a victim something. The bag contains a list of vital phone numbers, toiletries including a toothbrush, first aid kit and a journal with a pen so victims can write down their thoughts on the road to survival.

Our system simply doesn’t help crime victims. I hope you never have to experience what they’ve gone through, but odds are you might.

For more information on Crime Survivors visit www.CrimeSurvivors.com

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