Let's Not Commit Crimes in 2010

By Pat Brown

This is the year we should vow not to commit crimes. I am not speaking to the criminals that make our lives less secure or tumble us into a living hell, but to us -- ourselves, victims of violent crime and homicide.

The Lovely Bones, a bestselling book, is now at the movie theaters. The story is told from the perspective of a young murder victim, a teenage girl, who wants to reach out to her family to help them find her killer. But at the same time, she wants them to move on, to heal, to not spend every moment of their lives in anguish, anger, and sadness.

When I have spoken with a mother who has lost her child to homicide, she will tell me she can do nothing except fight for justice and spend every moment on her lost child, even if she has other children in the house. She cannot stand the guilt of putting aside her dead child for an hour, a quarter of an hour, or even a minute. She clings to her relationship, still being her daughter's mother, still "guiding" her "life." Her other children will have to understand their sister comes first, and what happened to her is so much greater than all the mundane goings-on of the present: school that she will never go to again, the birthday party she will never attend, the movie she will never get too see. The mother breaks down, sobbing, knowing she can't bring her daughter back, fully aware that her surviving sons and daughters have become near orphans, and that tomorrow will bring only more of the same pain and dysfunction.

Then, I ask her, if you had been the one murdered, what would you want your daughter to do?

She hardly takes a second to respond. "Of course, I would want her to go on and live life to its fullest. I would want her to have all the things I would have given her, all the joy and excitement life has to offer, all the love she deserves."

"And," I ask gently, "What do you think your daughter wants for you and her father and her brothers and sisters?"

Tears roll down her face and she whispers, "The same."

It's funny, in a very good way, that we care enough about others to sacrifice for them but not want them to sacrifice for us. When I see this in the families of victims, I am actually proud to be part of the human race. I see how deep their compassion runs, how much they are willing to give - even their lives - for the child they loved and still love.

Yet, in a way, they are committing a crime, an injustice against themselves and others they love and who love them. The killer took away their child and damaged them immensely, but they are adding to the destruction. Marriages end in divorce; a parent commits suicide; neglected children turn to negative behaviors, alcohol, drugs, and sometimes crime.

So, I urge those who have lost loved ones to violence, don't become an accessory to the evil being who did such a horrible thing to you. Carry on your fight against injustice (at a pace that is reasonable) and remember your beloved relative each and every day (set aside that special time), and continue to spread the beauty of your lost family member in every positive way you can. And for the sake of those who have gone before you and are looking down at what you are doing, live the life they would want you to live and treat those around you in a way they would want them to be treated. This would be a true memorial to them. This would make them happy.

If you are the victim of a sexual assault or another violent crime, remember that you are not a "leftover." You are not whatever you think the criminal left of you when he finished abusing you. You are still you, a person who deserves a beautiful future, and those around you want you to have it too. You may have issues to deal with, but every one of your friends and family is hoping and praying you will not let what has happened to you dictate you future.

Time is a strange thing: it doesn't really heal all wounds and it doesn't wound all heels, at least not in an imperfect world. What it does do is go on, and you go on with it. Time allows you to use it, for good or evil, for acts of kindness or for cruelty, to others and yourself. Time doesn't change the fact that you are still in the driver's seat, even if you have been broadsided.

Criminals cause enough damage to our world; don't add to the body count. Let's support each other and bring as much positive thinking and action as we can to 2010.

God bless all of you. May this be a year of hope and renewal and brotherhood and sisterhood. And, above all, be good to yourself; you deserve it.

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Dead Give-A-Way

by Susan Murphy-Milano

Imagine for a moment the grief associated with the death of a loved one. The planning of a memorial or funeral service is overwhelming.

Your body and mind feel invaded by some unknown alien force. You cannot think straight. There is a tremendous amount to do during this time. And all you want to do is “just get through it all.”

When my parents died, the family home where I learned to play my first game of hopscotch and learned to roller skate without taking another trip to the emergency room for a broken bone, was burglarized.

On the day of my parents' funerals, along with the entire residential street, as we were saying goodbye . . . thieves were saying hello as they entered into the rear basement window of the home and helped themselves to whatever they could easily carry out the door. No one was ever arrested. It has haunted me ever since.

Recently, a neighbor passed away. The husband and wife raised their family and lived in the same home for close to 50 years. As Emily, the grieving widow surrounded herself with family and close friends she went through the motions. First, Emily made arrangements with a funeral home for the wake and funeral service. While in the office of the funeral director, Emily handed the computer-generated death notice she filled out on-line with all the information on the immediate family, date and time of both the wake and funeral, for submission to the newspapers. Emily included the clubs, charities, and associations her dearly departed loved one involved himself with over the years. From the published death notice:

"John was a loving husband, father and grandfather. He served in the Army as a captain during WWII. He was a proud member of local 714. Bob was a member of a rare stamp and coin club. He collected first edition books. And when he retired John traveled the world discovering new treasures and meeting and making many friends. He will be missed by so many who loved and knew him."

It would become painfully obvious someone else loved John, or at least his property, when Emily and her grown children returned from the funeral service eleven hours later to find a thief had broken into their home as the family laid their loved one to rest. Much of what was stolen could not be replaced. This included years of family photos filled with loving memories.

These types of crimes during death are common. According to law enforcement it is rare when an arrest is made in these cases, because everyone is attending the funeral.

A published death notice is a dead giveaway for a thief.

It is very simple to gain information. Start by using the white pages on the Internet (go to people search) and type in anyone's name and the state where they live. I suggest using your own name and see what comes up. When I did this for Emily, John's name came up, age, phone number, who else lives in the home. If I look further, the site also lists the first 10 neighbors in the surrounding area of the residence. YUK!

Once I had the address I headed for the County Treasurer's Office Web site. Depending on the state and county of an address, locating the tax identification number of a property will vary.

Once I typed in the address, the tax information and history of the home was on the screen. I pressed another tab on the site and I was directed to a live photo of Emily's home and property. Great tool for someone preparing to break into a home. For Emily's residence, I was able to visually see with the assistance of Google "streetview." Close-up I viewed the back entrance of the property, the height of the trees and shrubs surrounding the home and a large detached garage.

The very first order of business you should take care of prior to going to make arrangements is, head to your local post office. Fill out a card and have the mail held for a three to four week period or change the mailing address to a friend or a relative's. This prevents important mail from being stolen. And all around it is a great safety tool.

Next, limit what is said in a published death notice. Do not list too much personal information or activities. This gives a heads-up to thieves about valuables or money in the home.

Make arrangements with your church to house sit during the wake and funeral service. If that if is not an option, contact a reputable security company and hire them to sit in the home. Or call your local law enforcement and ask if you can hire an off-duty officer.

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