2011: Yea or Nay?

by Stacy Dittrich 

I can’t help but steal a fabulous quote from a journalist friend of mine, “Hey, 2010! Take your place in the history books and get lost.” Personally, it was the most wretched and god-awful year I’ve had in recent memory, business-wise.

But when the future seems hopeless, I look at my children and husband as reminders of just how lucky I am that they are with me and in good health. Regardless, if I could submerge 2010 in a vat of acid and toss it off a cliff, I would gladly do so. Since I have long tabooed the phrase “the next year couldn’t possibly be worse" (yeah, it can), I decided to play Positive Polly and give my predictions about the world of crime in 2011. 

Casey Anthony

Casey Anthony will marry her cellmate—a gal we know only as Pat, (pictured right with Casey). Although they only speak to each other through the small metal slits of their respective cell doors, their relationship will blossom faster than you can say "Thelma and Louise." Not to mention, Pat will think those pictures of Casey kissing another girl are pretty hot. Casey requests to have Zanny the Nanny as her maid-of-honor. Jose Baez will be Pat’s best man, and the televised nuptials will take place on the eve of Casey’s lethal injection.

George and Cindy will separate. George will take a job with Bates Amusement Company touring the country as a bona fide carnie. He’ll take great pride in his work as the Kiddie Kopter operator, commenting on how all of the little girls remind him of Caylee. Cindy will travel throughout the country in her search for Caylee who, as we all know, is still alive. 

Joran van der Sloot 

Joran’s reign of terror will end abruptly this year when he is murdered under an air of mystery inside his cell at Castro Castro prison. The last person to see Joran alive will be his cell mate, Rico, after giving Joran a full-body massage and pedicure. After the autopsy reveals that Joran had stage 4 anal cancer, officials will close the death investigation because they determined he would’ve died anyway. His body will be donated to the Peruvian Center for Maniacal Mass Murder Studies. 

Colton Harris-Moore, aka “The Barefoot Bandit” 

After caving in to pressure by the ACLU for unlawful prosecution, Moore gets a full pardon by President Obama. Moore will go on to write a best-selling book on his adventures. The book, titled Barefoot and Brainless, will be made into a mega-hit movie starring Ashton Kutcher, and Moore will land his own reality show. Finding himself with millions in the bank, Moore will eventually buy the Bahamian island where he was previously apprehended. 

Nancy Grace

Bombshell! Nancy’s star will continue to rise this year, culminating in her appointment by Obama as the new Crime TV Czar. She will obtain her concealed carry permit and will be offered her third television show, “Gunning Down the Bad Guys with Nancy Grace,” by ABC, for another $40 million. On the home front, John and Lucy will get two new English bulldog puppies for their birthdays. They name them Cleet and Roscoe. 

Jane Velez-Mitchell 

Jane will leave HLN this year. She has issues.

She will embark on a nationwide search and rescue of stray and farm animals. After being caught red-handed releasing chickens from their respective coops, Jane will be arrested, but the charges will eventually be dropped. PETA will name Jane their “Woman of the Year,” and she will be appointed as their CEO. Her platform will be to work alongside Michelle Obama in turning all school lunches vegan.

Me

My dreams will come true this year. My book sales will make Stephanie Meyers’ look like chump change, and I’ll make millions from the movie adaptations. I’ll get to buy my longed-for beachfront double-wide trailer in North Carolina where I’ll spend my days with a bad weave, driving a luxury Kia that I can now afford, and sipping red wine from a box. I’ll be offered a spot on the new show, “The Real Housewives of Bumpkin County,” and get caught up in a scandalous and sordid affair with my landscaper, Horatio (pictured below). 

Women in Crime Ink 

The fabulous alpha-women at the blog step up their game and get offered a television show. They instantly become bestsellers and knock the likes of Clancy and Patterson right off the list. Grisham who? Their television show becomes so successful, it leads to the demise of "Glee," which sparks riots nationwide. As indictments get handed down against the gals of Women in Crime Ink for inducing panic, they are given a full pardon and their taxes are doubled by President Obama. After appointing the WCI ladies to the head of the US Crime Commission, he promises not to run for president again in 2012. Obama appoints Dr. Lillian Glass as the Director of Homeland Security for her uncanny ability to read the terrorists’ body language.

Here at Women in Crime Ink, we frequently discuss disturbing and emotional topics. I’m glad we are able to deviate from that every so often and make our readers smile. I am humbled and honored to be surrounded by such an amazing group of women—and equally amazing readers. So here’s to 2011. I hope it turns out to be a wonderful year for everyone!

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A Stroll Down The Crime Aisle

by Diane Dimond

Scene: Book Expo, New York City, May 30, 2009 – Inside the mammoth Javitz Center

Players: Tens of thousands of publishers, book dealers, authors and fans

What I’ll remember most: I finally got to meet Mary Jo Buttafuoco, the ultimate crime survivor! (Pictured right, photo courtesy of WCI Contributor Stacy Dittrich)

Back in 1992, I was just one in the horde of reporters to descend on a sleepy waterfront neighborhood in Massapequa, New York. We came, like moths to a flame, because the sensational news story of that time revolved around a cad of a married man, his teenage Lolita, and his long suffering wife who had simply opened the front door of her home one day and was shot in the head.

As we were introduced Mary Jo said, “I remember you. You were with Hard Copy!”

I immediately ‘fessed up. “Yes. I was one of those reporters camping out in your front yard back then. I apologize.” And I braced myself for criticism. After all we had further and completely disrupted her life at the worst possible time in her life – as she came home from the hospital (weighing just 89 pounds) to recover from what could have been life-ending injuries inflicted by her cheating husband’s 17-year-old lover, Amy Fisher.

But Mary Jo Buttafuoco was sweet as could be. She waved off any awkwardness and smiled brightly as she signed my copy of her soon to be released book, “GETTING IT THROUGH MY THICK SKULL - Why I Stayed, What I Learned, And What Millions Of People Involved With Sociopaths Need To Know.” We spoke briefly about how wonderful her life is now, with a new man, upcoming wedding and their blended family of children. We spoke about the “train wreck” that her shooter, Amy Fisher’s, life had become, but Mary Jo didn’t dwell on it. She didn't have much to say about her sociopathic ex-husband Joey either.

After all she’d been through I got a lump in my throat at her graciousness and near complete recovery. Only the slightest droop in an eyelid and on one side of her mouth gives a hint at how grievously she was wounded.

Earlier, at that very same table I’d stopped by to see my friend, TV journalist Jane Velez Mitchell (pictured right with me, photo courtesy of Diane Cohen). She signed a copy of her new book, “I Want” for me. It is also about surviving what life deals you. My courageous friend lays bare her once crippling addiction to alcohol and other bad habits and holds out her hand to help others walk a path to recovery. On air for her nightly HLN Network show, “Issues” she may seem like a tough, aggressive person. Off air she is a darling with a soft side who spends much of her time on causes like animal rights and the environment. I appear on her program once in a while as a guest commentator and I appreciate the fact that Jane allows her guests to actually finish a sentence and put the subject-at-hand into perspective.

Then, while sitting in the Justice Interrupted booth with my friends Stacy Dittrich and Susan Murphy Milano (Robin Sax had taken a quick break to go shopping on 5^th Avenue!) I ran into author Julie Spira (below) whose book “The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online,” outlines the do’s and don’ts of internet dating from a safety standpoint. She knows of what she speaks! This veteran of the digital-age-date lays out her first hand experiences with many of the losers who troll the internet superhighway just looking for vulnerable women. As smart as she is Julie was duped into loving and marrying a criminal liar she met on the net. He wasn’t really an architect. He wasn’t really self sufficient. And he really took her for a ride that, in the end, cost her about 100 thousand dollars as well as her dignity. If you’re considering internet dating do yourself a favor and read this book FIRST.

Three women, three very different and inspirational stories of survival in this world where criminals often seem to have the upper hand.

I experienced lots more at Book Expo. Wandering the never ending aisles hung with huge signs over head - Simon and Schuster, Harper Collins, Penguin, Prometheus – I stocked up on brand new give-away books. Naturally, I went for those with a crime and justice angle. Although not new this season I was riveted by two books at the Good Books booth by Howard Zehr. “Transcending: Reflections of Crime Victims” and “Doing Life: Reflections of Men and women Serving Life Sentences.” Both books are exactly what their titles imply. And they both offer stunning, haunting photographic portraits of the subjects – those who’ve miraculously survived violent crimes only to feel victimized in a different way by the court system that doesn’t really account for their participation and those men and women who are serving the rest of their lives in prison with no possibility of ever being released.

I saw my old pal Mark Klass and we were both delighted when Dr. Ruth walked by and stopped to chat with Mark. (We giggled later at how Mark was able to stay seated while he spoke with her and at the same time look right into her eyes - Yes! She's that short!) I think I spotted singer Paul Simon wandering around but I was too shy to run after him to see if it was really him. There were women wearing skimpy hot pink bathing suits touting the “perfect diet” books and Tibetan-looking monks strolling the aisles in saffron colored robes. The Justice Interrupted ladies were approached by the Tyra Banks producers who were enthusiastic about booking them for her show. Hero Pilot Sully Sullenberg charmed folks in the Borders Books Booth.

As Stacy Dittrich (pictured below with me in the Justice Interrupted booth), Susan Murphy Milano and I left for the day Susan and I marveled at the quality and number of books in the booths around us. We wondered how much longer books as we know them will exist. Will the internet, the kindle and devices we can’t even imagine replace these lovely companions one day? Will libraries become museums in the future? Maybe.

But for now I’ve got a bag full of books to keep me company! And, I got to shake hands with Mary Jo Buttafuoco, a woman I’d done so many stories about but never met.

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